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Can I stop being so incompetent? Stop being so useless? I'm hurting those that I love. I am sabotaging myself. I deserve to be alone. To wander this earth and vanish without a trace. It would make people happier without me burdening them. I'll be able to live in peace with no one but myself to blame.

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It feels like everything I do is on autopilot. Even my emotions don't feel like my own. So whenever I create something it doesn't feel like anything. I hate that I have to depend on others to get anywhere in life. I hate that I can't make money no matter what I do. Jobs time and time again have taken advantage of me. No matter how hard I try I always end up getting burned. How many more feathers of mine must burn until I am no longer able to fly?

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Been thinking a lot on how I approach creativity lately and I've realized that all I've done has been thinking about "how can I monetize this?" "How can I make this profitable?" "Will this ever be good enough to make money?" And I've realized that it's been killing my creativity. It's killing that sense of wonder and/or fun that I used to have while creating. I don't create for fun anymore and it hurts. I want to create again because it IS fun and I have to unlearn that kind of thinking. I've heard the term "don't follow the numbers" being used when you get a lot of followers and while that is true, it's also true in terms of money as well. Once you start thinking of your hobby as a job, then of course it's not going to be as fun. Once you think about deadlines and think about how a site works or how an algorithm works, it all feels overwhelming and doesn't feel like your creating things because you WANT to.

While someday I would love to have a job where I can be creative, I hope that I can still remember to have fun still when creating. Regardless if I can make money off of it or not.

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Been a while since I've written here.

Haven't felt super strongly in a while but I feel like things are just tipping over for me. I'm just so angry and ashamed being a U.S.A. citizen. I want things to change. I want people to gather together and overthrow the government, like literally. It's absolutely absurd to live in a place where every grocery trip costs around $100. It's disgusting that insurance companies dictate what kind of care you get when they're not even doctors. My friends, my family, and everyone that I love cannot move out of the country either because it's so expensive to do so. And when we try to force change, come together and peacefully protest, we get shot, killed or jailed. It doesn't matter what we do - at least it feels like it. Our politicians get paid thousands and not a single cent gets back to communities, the middle class or anything. We can shout and plea all we want, they're ALWAYS going to ignore it. We can make art and tell these stories again and again, but nothing will come out of it. The U.S.A. is a joke and the lower class is treated like dirt.

I hate it here. I hate living here. How many people have to die living here for someone to finally take action and do something? I'd do it if I could, but I don't want to die. I don't want to risk my life because there's people who care about me and I care about them. I wouldn't want someone to suffer like that either.

At some point, the U.S.A. is going to have another civil war. I can feel it. All it takes is another push for people to break.

I'm tired. I'm disgusted. I'm angry. And there's nothing I can do.

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First post. 06/04/2023

I don’t really know what I’m feeling. As of recent, my emotions have been all over the place. I thought that maybe making this a public diary will sort of help...

I really hate that I can’t seem to keep up with friendships. I hate that I feel so disconnected with people. There’s just so much going on in the world right now. I wish I could write stories like I used to. I wish I could look at things with the same awe when I was younger. I want to write my story, but now my brain sees it as a demand and I can’t fucking write anymore. It’s exhausting trying to battle my brain so often. At the same time, I’m glad that I’ve been healing from my trauma and I’m glad that I’m getting back in touch with reality. It’s been a hard and scary ride, but I am doing a lot better. But now that I’ve experienced reality and such, I can’t go back to daydreaming.

I hate living in this city. I hate that I can’t just wander about aimlessly and take in the scenery. I want to wander forests and just exist within nature. It’s where I feel like I belong. I shouldn’t have moved here. The city is horrible for my mental health. On top of that, it’s summer, so I can’t fucking go anywhere without being burned alive. I hate it here.

I just got engaged, so that’s pretty amazing. I never thought I would ever meet someone who loves me so deeply and understands me so well. I love him with all my heart and I want nothing more than his happiness. He is my other half and I couldn’t be happier.

Perhaps everything I’ve been feeling recently has been the effects of higher emotions. I cried so much when he proposed to me. I have been so happy the last few days. But now I’ve been reduced to... Whatever this is. Every high must have a low, I guess. Maybe I just need to relax. Listen to some nature sounds or something. I don’t know.

In other news, I found out about solar punk. I’ve been taking a liking to what I’ve found. It’s an aesthetic that’s pretty appealing to me, anyway. I always liked the idea of technology and nature living together in harmony. It’s the best way to live, in my opinion.