dezwithwings - Tumblr blog

[dezwithwings]

I don’t want to play this game no more

[dezwithwings]

Having one parent in heaven and the other who doesn't give a shit about how u feel no matter how much I cry, scream, yell, talk or don't speak at all FUCKING SUCKS! I miss my dad so much it rips me up ! My mom is being so fucking ignorant and selfish, I'm trying so fucking hard to get our relationship to be better but what the fuck am I suppose to do when she pushes me away, I guess I'll go and leave, she is causing me pain everyday I can barley HANDEL it

[dezwithwings]

Time away

I've had time away from my family and it's been good I feel like I've had time to think and just.... Be.... I've struggled a lot these few months because a war is going on in my head every fucking day. I still want to be happy but it's not now and I except that, I'm trying not to go crazy with my thoughts, flash backs, memories, anxiety and just me.... I feel like I'm at a turning point but I can't let go of what's behind me because I feel like I will lose who I am but I want to go forward to find really WHO I AM. It's been hard but music has been singing my thoughts !!

[dezwithwings]

A sign

So my sister got tickets to see Long Island medium in a few months, I cried and I hope to hear from my dad who has passed away, I would love to hear from my dad through her any message. I will be in the room with her and thousands of others with loved ones who has passed, but I'm praying that my dad would come through to give me a message to make sure he is ok, I'm a spiritual person and I feel this is a sign of hope for me

[dezwithwings]

Anxiety

My head is resting on my pillow and as I close my eyes a thousand thoughts come in my head, a lot of numbers, questions, worries, a cluster fuck of shit that I don't need In my head. Anxiety plz let me sleep before I go crazy

[dezwithwings]

Numb

Been only feeling numb this week, I'm in so much pain and filled with anger, I've cried so much and feel like I'm going insane. But today I'm numb.... My mind and body is fucking done, I feel like I can't deal with anything anymore so I want to feel fucking nothing. I WANT NON OF IT, NO MORE PAIN, FUCKING ANXIETY, PTSD, DEPRESSION ALL OF IT I WANT NON OF IT!!! Can someone plz take it away.... I just want to be happy

[dezwithwings]

Anxiety

My anxiety was soo fucking bad tonight that I was on the bathroom floor rocking back and fourth crying, it hit me so bad and hard tonight I had to take two ativan to try to calm me down. It's been 3 hours since my panic attack and I'm finally calming down. I'm exhaust and tired but now my head is calmed down.

[dezwithwings]

Still angry

So I wanted to talk to my mom about her crazy shit last night so we were talking, it was a good conversation and we even made plans about going dress shopping for my brothers wedding with his fiancé, then she started saying mean things to me and I was saying how hurtful this stupid situation is for me and it seems like she doesn't give a fuck cuz I tell her it's hurtful but yet she continues to do it, so I said if she continues then I would have to remove myself from this negativeness, then she interrupted me and said then leave.... And I said I don't want to leave but if I do I don't want anything to do with you and she was blaming me for that's my choice and I said it would be your fault cuz ur fucking pushing me away to do it, I don't want to be around your shit and I tell you I'm hurting from your shit and I'm helping u to change ur shit but you still wanna do it.... I have to go away and it would be because of her choices not mine.... Then I left the room and had a bath after I asked her what time we r going out and she said she was going to stay in bed all day so I called my bro fiancé to tell her we aren't going cuz she is being depressed...... I'm so mad at her acting like a FUCKING IDIOT.... I'm trying my hardest to help her but she can't fucking see

[dezwithwings]

Last night

Last night was a huge explosion with my mom, she was talking about meeting the guy when I forbid her to see due to the pain in causing me. I've told her if she talks to him I'm fucking out of this dam family and won't talk to her but she still wants to see him.... This is fucking bullshit I have to go through after my dad passing, thank god I'm on medication otherwise I couldn't Handel this shit . Idk why she continues to use him and he uses her and he is half her age I sent him a message saying to back off but very polite and he saw it but still continues to egg on my mom. I'm having my last straw about him when I want to break his legs for not hearing me to back off, if he was a respectful person he would understand to back off but he is not he is a goof. I'm talking to my mom today about it and hopefully we will get somewhere positive or I'm out of this family because I can't be surrounded by this shit

[dezwithwings]

Anger

My anger is slowly killing me, I'm angry about so many different things and I feel like poison is running through my veins. I don't have a positive outlet and idk what to do. I'm a very quiet shy person but when I've had enough with things in my family I explode with emotion. I'm so angry just in general that I know if I hold it in, it's going to pull me into darkness.

[dezwithwings]

Tonight

Been working really hard at my new job, I feel like I'm doing great I'm learning fast and my arm isn't in much pain, i do stretches before and after work so it can be tight but it feels better by the next morning. The shifts have been 6 am to 215 pm for training which I get up at. 4 and leave the house by 530 am so I'm at work by 550 so I can get a good parking spot. After training I'll be working 230 pm to 130 am shifts only 4 times a week which will be nice for the weekends off. My anxiety has been down all week and I haven't needed any Ativan all week. I'm feeling good that work is making me focus on something positive. I just can't wait to go to the coast and live my life there. Thinking positive tho !!!

[dezwithwings]

Family had a meltdown the other night and I haven't talked to my mom since, I have a lot of pain and anger but I'm trying to keep my shit together, my mom hasn't been making any good choices since my dad died two months ago and she doesn't understand that if the stupid half her age coworker doesn't fucking back off like I told him to, I will break his legs with a bat.... Just saying..... Again I've told my mom how upset I am about him being around her but she doesn't care so I'm trying to back off before I break.... I got a job and I've been working like crazy and I love it, keeps my mind off home which is good

[dezwithwings]

Work

March 2 2015 today is my first day back at a new job since my car accident in 2012, I got a job as a paint shop worker so I sand, paint, stain ect. I was worried about it being to different from what I was doing before which was cooking so this is all new to me, I really loved it and it was easy on my hand and arm I'm not even sore , I'm very great full that they gave me an opportunity to restart a new career and I am a hard worker and did great today !!! Me 1+ Anxiety 0-

[dezwithwings]

Laryngitis

So I have laryngitis today and I start my new job in less then 48 hours and I really don't want to go in with a scratchy fucked up voice so I've herd of this home remedy ( I always do my research on anything through multiple sources, especially pills) and it said to chew two Tylenol and swallow them then 20 min later sip water, it's suppose to use the anti-inflammatory in it on your cords that are inflamed so I did this earlier today and I felt a little tired (I don't take Tylenol often and it works fast on me) but i was fine, now that it's been. 6 hours later I did it again but because my anxiety I says it's worst for me before bed I had a panic attack and thought I will OD on two tylenol..... Just me writing that makes me laugh cuz it's not true but my anxiety comes up with the craziest shit to keep me awake it's crazy. Having a panic attack and not being able to talk is quite scary, I already feel trapped when I have a panic attack but this time it's different I feel like I'm a lot more focused on what details my anxiety is creating in my head it sucks. But with ought taking an ativan I'm already feeling better but I'll still stay up

[dezwithwings]

Every day....

[dezwithwings]

Anxiety is hell

2492) I wouldn't wish this on anybody.

[dezwithwings]

OMG to cute !!

Went to the zoo today and this little guy came up to me and held my finger