claireedeelalunee

[claireedeelalunee]

it’s been nearly five years and I still can’t get the courage to tell you anything…being around you makes my heart beat so fast that I physically can’t stay being around you and when you’re not around I can’t stop thinking about those brief moments I’ve spent talking to you…I’m so tired of all the ‘could’ve beens’ but I also can’t make any steps to change anything, I hate my pride sometimes but if I lose even that then what do I have left? I can’t afford to do that. I know it’s not your fault that I’m in this position, you didn’t put me there, at least not on purpose, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are the reason behind all of this. You can never know and you will never know that I’ve loved you for almost five years now. I just wish I knew how you felt about me all these years, if you ever suspected me or I’m just as good at hiding my feelings as I think I am. But I think it will be easier for me to just forget you and have you be completely gone from my life because I really can’t take this madness anymore.

[claireedeelalunee]

in the middle of most nights lately, i’ve been getting this urge to write about u, desperately trying to put into words just how much i miss u, even tho i realize u are not mine to miss, never have been…why is it that every time i walk by the places familiar to us, my heart starts racing 100mph when i start thinking about the possibility of running into you? why is it that it makes me want to run and hide, far away from u, but at the same time wrap my arms around your neck, to hold you just as tight as your hold on my heart has been all these years, refusing to let go? to let u know exactly how i feel without uttering a single word…

[claireedeelalunee]

Cities and Sketches on Instagram

[claireedeelalunee]

4AM, you finally came..

It was nearly 4AM when the rumbling of the thunder made the wooden floor against Serkan’s body shake. He had been lying there for a few hours, inert and eyes closed; his irregular breaths were the only proof that the man was still alive. The wide open curtains let some light inside the pitch-dark room, lightning flashing across the sky for a fifth time, revealing the state of the summer house’s master bedroom. It had been left untouched since the last time they’d both been here. Sheets that still held her scent, pillows against which her head rested were laying on the bed, a moment frozen in time that he hadn’t dared to disturb. The mirror in front of which she stood that morning, fixing her earrings, was covered by a small woollen blanket, hiding the glass debris from his last anger fit. He had stared at his haggard reflection for a few minutes before throwing the glass of water he was holding in hand, hoping to erase traces of his guilt from his eyes, to smooth the pain out of his forehead wrinkles.. alas. The cold seeping from the squeaky wooden floor helped calm him a little.. it was the only part of the house left that wasn’t mocking him with yet another memory of her.

She was everywhere, and traces of her made his heart race.

She was everywhere, and guilt ate him up until it was too painful to stand.

She was everywhere, yet her absence made his soul ache until he collapsed on his bedroom floor and let sadness consume his soul away.

Another booming sound made the windows violently shake, and a startled Serkan hissed as his right hand landed on a pile of glass shards. He plopped himself onto his elbow and absently looked at his bloody hand before turning to the door and staring into the darkness.

She won’t come, she doesn’t wanna see me ever again..

Three days prior, he watched her leave his parents house like a storm, holding her head in a panicked state. His mother had told her everything, and she was long gone before he could attempt to stop her. He had asked his mother to stay out of it less than an hour before, and yet there he stood in shock. She’d found out the truth and left without looking back. He had lost his chance to explain himself, to drop to his knees and beg for her forgiveness, to maybe catch a last glance of her face.. because Eda Yıldız was gone, and her broken eyes were the last thing he had laid eyes upon.

After driving around town looking for her for the past two days, Serkan had decided to go back home -his summer house, the place where he last saw her smile and let himself get lost in her embrace. She’ll come back, he’d whispered to himself the prior night, before he let himself drop on the floor of his freezing cold room.

thump, thump, thump

Serkan blinked a few times, before laying on his back again.

thump, thump, thump

Serkan sighed as he opened his eyes again and turned his head towards the window. The rain was only slight pouring, a few cats might have infiltrated the property again.

thump, thump, thump

He let a frustrated grunt out before jumping to his feet and looking out the window. The lights in the garden were off, but he could discern a silhouette kneeling over the plants in the veranda. Hair flowing in the violent wind, the girl was actively shoveling the wet soil with a small wooden log. He chuckled at the sight before him and shook his head. She was throwing a fit even in his imagination. She was a dream, she would never show up after finding the truth out. She could only be a dream, not even his prayers would make her come back for him. She was definitely a dream, but he had to check for himself.. just in case.

Grabbing another throw blanket from the corner armchair, he quietly made his way to the hall, and out of the house. The lights were still off in every room, but he could see her clearly through the glass sliding doors. She was sitting on the lowest step leading to the gazebo, and was attempting to move the small petunias to dig more holes in the ground. The moon was casting a light all over her, and he wished he could catch a glimpse of her face, trace the lining of her soft jaw with his eyes, feel his heart melt at the sight of her plump lips. He was facing her back however, and her abrupt frustrated movements were a reflection of her state of mind. Cladded in a thin black shirt, she was shivering as the pouring rain continuously soaked her garment. That shirt.. his shirt. Serkan took a deep breath and slid the door open.

“Eda…”

He saw her jump in her spot and hold the wooden log up as a weapon, before she turned around to see him towering over her. Her eyes never met his, she quickly turned to her gardening like nothing had interrupted her labor. The rain soaking Serkan’s hair wet made him snap out of his reverie. He grabbed the blanket that was slipping from his hand and put it on her silently, still watching her every move, unable to say a word. “How did you know I was here?”, she finally muttered. Serkan didn’t reply and adjusted the blanket around her shoulder before stepping away and sitting on a cushion, facing her.  Her eyes were dark and focused, she looked like she hadn’t slept for a few days. A permanent frown now adorning her forehead, she was biting the inside of her cheek as she continuously stabbed the soil.   "There’s a few rocks under there, you might wanna try a different corner”“ Her head snapped back up, her eyes shooting daggers at him "No, this is perfect”. “It’s 4AM, you’re going to freeze here” “Just go home” "I am home” He saw her roll her eyes, so he added “This is home. I live here now. I moved out of my parents’ house. ” Eda dropped the log in her hand and finally looked at him. She tightened the blanket around her arms and shoulders and tilted her head, studying his face. He could see a million questions flash in her eyes, but she remained quiet and proceeded to grab a small tin box from her pocket. He recognized the little container where she kept her flower seeds, a gift from her mother she always held on so dearly. “I forgot to sow them here as well, I wanted to plant a few in this spot.” Serkan shuffled a little more towards her and watched her grab a few seeds and position them in the little holes she had formed. “Are .. are you sure you don’t want to plant them a little further.. there’s more space in the garden”, he mumbled. He was trying to be as nonchalant as possible, but his shaky raspy voice had betrayed him. He had expected her to throw things at him, scream and shout, but Eda sat in front of him with unnerving composure, as if nothing had been wrong with the world. “No it has to be here. Right here.” Here.. Right where time had stopped for them and all voices but theirs had been silenced. Right where he had kissed her like there was no tomorrow, and promised himself he would hold onto her until the end of time. Here where the two of them had confirmed their love for each other, and let happiness take over for a night. It was a little over a week ago, but it seemed like an eternity for Serkan Bolat. There they were again, sitting right where passion claimed their hearts, yet their souls had never felt so apart from each other. The rain had slowed down while Eda was busy covering the seeds in fresh wet soil with her bare hands. The uneasy silence was weighing on his chest, but Serkan found himself unable to say another word. His anxiety grew as he watched her shake the dirt off her hands and jump on her feet, ready to leave again. He trailed behind her, as she determinedly walked towards the house in her dirty wet clothes, when she abruptly turned to face him again.

“What about your mom?”

Serkan stopped in his tracks and lowered his gaze towards her. She was so close, he could feel her familiar scent engulfing him already, like a poison intoxicating every cell of his body. He gulped again, the lump in his throat thickening with every breath he took.

“My mom?”

His eyes found hers, confused, full of concern, sadness that buried the life that used to burn inside her. It tore his heart apart, it made him so angry. At his parents, at himself, at fate that had so long played with his own life and had decided to mess with her as well.

“Eda how can you be thinking of my mother right now?”, he shook his head in disbelief.

“I know it pains you to leave your mother behind, after all she’s been through. I see it in your eyes, it’s killing you.”

She was staring at him more intently and Serkan couldn’t handle the proximity anymore. He stepped away, catching his breath, holding his head as the tension reached his temples.

“I can’t, I can’t do it. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay there, I can’t be under the same roof as them knowing what my dad has done Eda. What he’s done to you Eda.”

“And yet, you’re taking responsibility for it all Serkan”.

Her calm and cold demeanor was driving him crazy. Serkan pushed inside the house and started pacing in the living room, unable to stay calm.

“How are you so calm Eda? How can you think of them right now, how are you not angry at them?”

She grabbed the blanket still hanging around her shoulders and threw it at him.

“I AM angry Serkan, I am so angry I want to scream my lungs out!”

“Then scream, shout, say something Eda, I can’t handle seeing you like this.”

“Stop telling me what to do Serkan, stop trying to control my feelings, STOP IT!” she yelled, throwing the one tin she was holding in her hand to the floor.

Hundreds of tiny seeds were already scattered on the floor before Serkan could even react. In a moment, Eda had collapsed on the floor, in panic..

“Oh no, no, no.. Mom.. no..”

Serkan hurried over to turn the lights on and ran towards Eda kneeling on the floor when a punch landed on his shoulder, and another, and another.

“I don’t need your help! Stay away from me!”

Her cheeks were glistening with tears and he felt his hand reach her face, wiping away her sadness when another punch pushed him further away from her. She grabbed a pillow from the couch to her left and threw it at him, before she pushed his chest again, hit his arm, his shoulder again. Serkan just closed his eyes, taking it all in, the sound of her sobbing hurting his soul more than anything in that moment. A final slap to his face startled the both of them, and Eda finally gave in and dropped to her knees in front of him.

“Stop ignoring me Serkan Bolat! Fight back! Do something!”

Her disheveled hair was sticking to her face, patches of dirt tracing her jaw, his black shirt still clinging onto her skin. He moved forward, and grabbed her face with both his hands, desperately trying to calm her down. Eda finally closed her eyes and softened at his touch, bringing her own hands up to hold his own. Her icy cold hands melted his soul, and he felt the walls of his heart crumble down as an ocean of overwhelming emotions flooded every bit of his being.

Tears filling his eyes, blood gushing out of his palm, he couldn’t hold it in any longer..

“Your hand..”

“It’s nothing..”, he whispered as he rested his forehead against hers.

“I hate you..”

“I know..”

“It wasn’t your decision to make..”

“I had to..”

“I promised to be your breath for the rest of time, but you took my breath away and ran from me..”

“Eda..”

He felt her eyes on him, piercing through his soul, asking so many questions, so many whys he was not ready to answer yet.

“Look at me..Serkan look at me.”

“I can’t look you in the eye Eda..”

“Serkan..”

She pushed herself away from him and he held her wrists in his hands, unwilling to let her go, yet unable to look at her hypnotizing chocolate orbs.

“They.. my parents..”, he took a deep breath before carrying on. “My family is the reason you lost yours, the reason you lost your childhood”

“They stole your childhood too Serkan.”, she retorted.

“This is not about me, Eda..”

“No, you’re right. It’s about us, the both of us.”

He felt her finger on his chin, raising his face to meet his broken eyes.

“I don’t think I can forgive them, any of them.. my grandmother, the people behind the accident, your dad, his company.. but you..”

“Eda, I’m the heir to that holding group, I’m my dad’s son, I am just as responsible as-”

Unable to finish his sentence, Serkan dropped his head down, shivering as his chest tightened again in anger and frustration.

“You’re not.”

He sensed a tear drop on his cheek, and felt his heart dropping at the sight of her sudden tears mirroring his own.

“I don’t blame you Serkan..”

She kissed his tear away and his chin trembled, before he collapsed in her arms, quiet sobs escaping his throat. He felt her hands slid around his shoulders and hold onto him, like a plea for him to stay. Tightening his grip on her, he felt her heart race against his chest, as his own slowed down to a regular pace.

“You’re punishing the both of us Serkan..”, she whispered in his neck.

“I’ve only brought pain and anger to your life, all I’ve managed to do is make you cry and break your heart. I’m just like my dad, I destroy everyone I get close to..”

“That’s not true..”

“I love you..”,

He felt her tears on his shirt and wiped his own, before planting a kiss on her shoulder.

“But I don’t deserve you..”

“Yeah, you don’t”, she sniffed. He backed away to take a look at her face, and his eyes softened when he saw the small smile on his face.

“You’re a coward”

“I was never the courageous one.”

“You make me go mad, I wish I could stay away from you.. but I feel like my soul is being shredded when you’re not around..”

“I’m sorry..”

“I’m not leaving”

“I don’t want you to.”

She nodded and slid on the floor to rest her back against the leather couch. Serkan looked around him, screening the dirt and the seeds scattered all around the carpet.

“We should probably get them back in your tin box”.

She shivered and hugged her own arms before shrugging “No, just let them grow in the middle of the living room, let them invade your house.”

Serkan chuckled and settled next to her, his left arm warming up against hers. “Yes, tiny little laurel trees in every corner that will remind me of you at any moment”.

Eda turned around to look at him credulously, and smiled as she remembered the night they had watched the stars in front of Apollo’s Temple in Antalya.

Feeling her eyes on him, Serkan turned around and raised his eyebrows.

“What?”

“You’re no Apollo”.

“I’m not?”, he smirked.

“You’re not… And I’m not Daphne. I don’t wanna run away from you.”

She slid her hand in his and laid her head back against his shoulder. “I’m not a tree you can set on fire and leave behind you Serkan.”

Burying his face in her hair, he whispered “No, you’re not.. you survive every fire and spread your beauty all around .. just like a protea..”

Eda let go of his hand and turned around to look at him, big eyes, mouth slightly open in shock “How do you..”

He sighed and muttered under his breath “I may or may not have read your little flower book.. the one you were carrying in your bag on the first day we met”.

Tears were pooling again in her eyes, so Serkan grabbed her wrist and softly ran his fingers on her forearm, visibly trying to change the topic.

“We should get out of these wet clothes”

“Serkan..

"You also need to sleep, it’s nearly 5-”.

Serkan stopped in his tracks as she gently cupped his cheek and ran her finger against his skin, resting her forehead against his.

“You may not believe in fate but I do.. they left me first, but I know they sent you to me.”

“Eda..”

“Serkan let me.. These scars have been slashed open and it’ll take time.. a really long time to let them close back up peacefully.. I know your scars are just as deep as mine, and I won’t let myself heal if you’re not healing with me.”

He let a sigh out he didn’t know he was holding and nudged his nose against hers.

“I still hate you, Serkan Bolat.”

“I love you, Eda Yıldız..”

[claireedeelalunee]

We share birthdays. Literal Queen.

[claireedeelalunee]

People often think that marriage is the ultimate happily ever after with unicorns and rainbows but that’s far from reality.

Of course love is the driving force of any kind of relationship between two people weather it’s a friendship, a romantic relationship or marriage. But when it comes to marriage things can get pretty tough after a while. When you’re just dating someone you try to impress them with all the charms that are hidden up your sleeve but at the same time you’re trying to hide all of the skeletons in your closet and everyone has those. In marriage you agree to share your life with someone else which means that there’s no I only we, not mine but ours. After that everything comes to surface. Every dirty little secret, every habit and every flaw. At first love blinds us and we don’t see it but after a while it fades. I’m not saying that love in general is doomed but it takes a lot of effort to maintain that flame despite all of those obstacles. But love is not enough. For marriage to work there needs to be trust. If you can’t trust each other with one another’s lives then how are you going to navigate your child through life together? Mutual trust is also based on respect. So this means that love comes with trust, respect and mutual admiration. What I think is that deep and honest conversations is what keeps the marriage going. It’s not that important what’s written on paper. It’s all about what’s written in their eyes and their hearts. You can just be dating someone and living one life with them because you’re able to talk and have a real conversation about anything and everything and there’s no room for secrets between you too. That’s the level of intimacy that the marriage craves and it is a necessity otherwise you or your partner will start to look for it in somebody else, It’s really interesting to think about what’s worse having to find physical satisfaction with someone other than your partner or emotional connection? What’s harder to walk away from or to forgive? I feel like for me personally it’s worse to betray your partner with your heart and soul and not just your body. You can’t just pretend that everything’s fine and nothing has changed after that. Mostly though after emotionally connecting with someone physically attraction follows. Sometimes we think that we’ve left the past in the past but then it comes on our doorstep and we are left with no other choice but to face the truth and see things for what they really are...

[claireedeelalunee]

“What I wouldn't have given to have tired of you.”

[claireedeelalunee]

It was a rainy day in September. Usually September’s warm around here. Still holding on to the leftovers of the summer heat. It was the first day of Uni ever since the whole lockdown thing happened. I was so nervous my palms were sweating but I knew damn well that it wasn’t because of it being the first day. It was because of what I was about to do...

I was going into the building when I saw him. He was walking towards me with the smile on his face. He looked like he had just wrapped up his magazine shoot. Not going to lie I did my best that day too. When he finally reached me he went for a kiss on the cheek. Oh how I missed that sweet scent of his cologne.

After that we parted ways to our classes. I was relieved but deep down I knew that this was temporary. The day went by real fast and there was only one class left. The one thay we had together. I was thinking about what I was going to do after when he walked in and sat right next to me. Typical. I didn’t react to it in any way either.

By the end of it I just couldn’t seem to focus on the subject and looked over my shoulder only to see him looking back. It was as if he knew what I’d been planning all along.

The class finally finished and we said our goodbyes to the professor. We walked out and he immediately started to talk about how tired he was and how much he wanted to eat and sleep and just simply get out of there. We both laughed at that. The more time I spend with him the more nervous I get somehow. It’s been two years and it’s only getting worse.

In the meantime we reached the backyard and that’s when I knew the moment was right to finally tell him but I was so afraid that I almost gave up when he grabbed my hand...

-Hold up, I have something to tell you...

-Unbelievable.

-What is?

-I have something to tell you, too. But you go first.

I could see that he was nervous but never in a million years would I guess what was about to come out of his mouth the next moment...

-I know that this will sound insane and that you’ll probably laugh at me, but it’s been too long and I can’t deal with this any longer. I love you. I’ve lost count of how many times I wanted to tell you this. I’ve not seen you in so long and had some time to think and now I’m sure that that that’s exactly how I feel...

I just couldn’t believe what was happening to me in that moment. I wanted to cry and scream and kick him so bad because all this time that I’d been crying myself to sleep every night thinking that my feelings would never be returned he felt the same...

-Oh My God! Wow! Unbelievable! You’re unbelievable! -I was furious.

-What are you so angy about?

-I’m angry that for two years that I’ve spend crying myself to sleep because I’m in love with you and have been in pain because of those feelings and now you’re telling me that you’ve felt the same all along?! And what about that girl you liked last year? She meant nothing?-I practically yelled at him.

-That was an excuse. I was trying to fight it just as much as you did apparently. I can’t believe that I just told you I loved you and you want to talk about someone else! -He was shouting at this point too.

-Yes, I want to talk about what all of this is and what it means. I’ve been hiding this from everyone for far too long so I need to be sure.

-I’ve had enough time to think about it and I’m sure that this is how I feel. I’ve always thought that someone like you would never look at someone like me the same way...

-Oh and why is that? What does that even mean?

-You know exactly what it means. You’re all smart and sophisticated. Why would you want to be with someone who’s just another loser...

-Oh my God don’t say that. I don’t care about that and I’m so sorry that that’s how you see me but I promise I don’t care...

At this point we were both teary eyed. Trying not to cry. Words were not needed anymore. And that’s when he decided to attack my lips. It was nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced before. It was gentle yet so loving and we both were longing for it for so long. I couldn’t help but think about how stupid we both were and how wrong we were about each other. Well at least I wasn’t the only one...

I felt so safe in his arms. After running from myself for so long I was finally home...

[claireedeelalunee]

There’s nothing that a good bottle of wine can not fix.

[claireedeelalunee]

“I’m enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”

-Albert Einstein

[claireedeelalunee]

[claireedeelalunee]

Do you ever feel so much that it seems like electricity is running through your veins trying to explode through your fingertips? There's not even a particular reason why you feel like that or somebody else to blame. So much exhaustion and frustration. Anger and sadness. Tears and joy. All of them at once. Nostalgic wave hitting you hard like a tornado. A strong desire to do everything and nothing. Constant mood swings. Not understanding what the hell is wrong with you. Love and pain. It's like you've been looking for an unrequited love just so you can find the reason for all this frustration and deep, deep sadness inside of you. Emptiness. Loneliness. Madness. All inside your head. Can love cause all that? Why do we even call it "love" if this thing causes so much pain and disaster? I don't have the answer for you because each and every one of us has to come to terms with this all on their own.

[claireedeelalunee]

One of those movies that you never grow tired of watching.

Pride & Prejudice (2005) dir. Joe Wright

[claireedeelalunee]

Turns out I’ve had this account for three years already. Wow.

[claireedeelalunee]

I will wait for you by the sea even if it is late. 

Although you've forgotten what the life in the sand feels like under the soles of your feet,

Although you no longer dream of the sea breeze flying through your hair,

Although the rhythm of the waves is no longer that of your heart,

Although you no longer look at the horizon and ask questions, 

I will wait for you here, fervent devotee of your wings, 

With the certainty that no matter how far you go, or how far you stray from the path, 

You will always return to the magic and freedom of the sea because your soul is made of blue and salt, and I .....

I will be waiting for you.

e.v.e.

[claireedeelalunee]

If anyone could dream big, then it’s Mr Disney.

[claireedeelalunee]

“Never apologize for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night. That is how galaxies are made.”

— Tyler Kent White