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men be like: oh no,, my ego, my poor ego! oh woman, could you spare a stroke? stroke my ego just once? oh, you refuse? that’s fine, i don’t mind. i diagnose you with whore

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where are my goth friends who will take flattering candids of me at the cemetery

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“Oh, you’re in my blood like holy wine. You taste so bitter and so sweet. Oh, I could drink a case of you, darling, and I would still be on my feet.”

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Someone on Chopped: Adds too much truffle oil to their dish

Me, eating cold Spaghetti-O’s straight out of the can: What a fucking idiot

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me watching everyone on earth date and fall in love

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“Nothing’s funny unless you’re runny.” - diarrhea

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Jean-Honoré Fragonard. Clouds.

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bae: come over

me: i can’t, i’m in 16th century japan

bae: i’m home alone

me:

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me: i wanna swim in a natural pond or lake, i want to walk in and see the moss and the trees and the little fish and just be one with nature

also me: hUHEDN SomNETH sloPRY TOUHCY MEy LEG

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