chelurblue - Tumblr blog

[chelurblue]

it started when i was 13 or 14 years old and i thought i forgot about it, and now i am 22, can process and analyze that incident years ago, and it surfaced that i was deeply hurt and affected by it. 

[chelurblue]

“My eyes are crossed, but they’re still blue” 

[chelurblue]

I wish i was more interesting and less mediocre.

[chelurblue]

This has been on my notebook 10 months now. It has no title since I don't know what to put and i know this needs a lot of editing. Trying to be a poet but I don't know how to be poetic.

So here it is....

You were on your usual ragged jeans

Painted faint blue

You were on your worn out shoes

Shoelaces tangled

You were on your usual v-neck shirt

Painted in tangerines and white

Plained; ironed

Despite those tidiness, you still have crumpled phase of you

Traces and parts of it discovered

Typical face, typical looks, advertised truths

Deceiving.

Scripted hello's and goodbyes

Grasping words and sentences

Hoping that the vocabularies fits

In every sentences and phrases

Crippled dialogues and papers

Incomplete thought and short sentences

With only periods; but hoping that the conversation will have question marks and exclamations

Hopes were short yet hopeful

But crumbled down with truths

Realities banging in every corner

Little guarded but now looses up

A mishap of a moment

My mind wanders

From attraction to us become lovers

Exchanges hello's and emoji's

I love you's-misinterpreted

Months passed you took your farewell; you realized that you're about to cheat to another girl

The wrong i did was to give you motive

The wrong you did was you took advantage of it

I know those exchanged sentences were farewell

You did not spill your motives in pages

Little did you know, from the start, I already interpreted it.

[chelurblue]

Maybe something inside me is growing, could be hurt, guilt, anger, and all emotions there is, maybe I can't distinguish what it is, or maybe i am afraid to even distinguish what it is, that the moment I'll find out, is it good to have this emotions? Or am i being bad? Is hurt, guilt, anger, are all the same?

[chelurblue]

You can't invalidate a person's personality because of just one good/bad thing that he's done.

[chelurblue]

Have no right to demand, cause of inferiority and might fail again. Hay.

[chelurblue]

I still can picture your face in that same corner, old classroom.

I still can remember you thick lashes, dark eyes

The strokes of every letters of your handwriting

The faded blue jeans

The red polo shirt I used to sign with

The red worn rubber shoes

The stripes socks

You always wore them during washday

It's been six years, I am surprised I can remember you.

What were those times I thought I'm over you for?

#midnighthoughts

#coffee

#poetry

[chelurblue]

I wish that the white sheet I have now will be painted in the future, that in its every lines and pages, calligraphy and inks will tell a story.

[chelurblue]

To Those Who Want Me In Their Life

I'm sorry, I can't let you as I am caught up with my own burden

I'm sorry I can't let you as I don't know when to be ready

I'm sorry I can't let you, that despite of my inner battles, I have my priorities

I'm sorry as most days I am lost

I'm sorry I cant let you, I am finding motivation.

I am finding me.

In between the lines of letting you in and to take the leap

I am still half asleep, want to get up but my body's frozen, restrained by blankets and pillows of insecurities. Voices, and questions that's been kept.

That everytime I have to decide, I choose to sleep again, afraid of something irrevocable. A coward.

I know that something like this, and someone like you is not a game. That's why I can't let you in. I'll be just here, maybe still on those blankets and pillows.

#midnightthoughts

#poetry

#dreamer

#musingsofapasserby