chef-bo-yardee-blog

[chef-bo-yardee-blog]

*Insert catchy title here*

Daily thoughts of October 14, 2018:

Some days I just write to write. I have no idea what I want to write about, but there’s something satisfying about putting the pen to paper.

Lately, I’ve been trapped in my own head. I can feel myself slowly going insane(ha, slowly, as if I’m not already) and I don’t know what to do to stop myself. I find myself questioning everything that happens, whether it is good or bad. It’s hard to understand why some things happen to me, but the more I question it the more I get confused. It’s like life is throwing me curveball after curveball, and I just keep getting more and more confused. I just want to find something that makes everything a little less confusing.

Honestly, I don’t know why I even started writing this in my journal. I have a topic I actually wanted to write about when I started, but I completely forget it by the time I finished the first sentence. Clearly it wasn’t that important of a topic to me. Then again, nothing really feels “important” to me right now. Maybe that’s why I forgot. I just don’t have the energy to care for things like this. I just don’t really care anymore. I’m not focused on one particular thing in life like I usually am. I’m just going with the flow.

If you know me, you know that is not who I have ever been. I don’t like to sit around and wait for something to happen, I take initiative and make things happen. I’m just not able to put in the effort I usually have to make things happen. I keep hoping that one day all that energy I used to have will just magically appear again, but I just know it won’t unless I put in effort.

I’ve been in this funk a lot though. I just don’t have energy and it spreads to everything I enjoy. I stop talking to people as much, I stop trying to make plans, I just go into hibernation pretty much. I know there are a couple people who know me and can tell when some things are up, but then there’s the people who don’t hear from me for awhile and may not know why. I don’t want to just randomly text/call them and be like “hey sorry, I just really haven’t cared about anything but now I do. How have you been?” because then I feel like a dick for saying I don’t care about them when I really do but I just don’t know how to truly reach out to someone.

I’m at least better off than I once was. Now i’m way more open to admitting that something is wrong, whereas before I would lie to myself and pretend everything was okay. I know something is wrong with me. I just don’t know what. I honestly can’t figure out what is making me not have the energy I usually do. I need to stop sitting around and find out, but the more I sit around the more I feel comfy with not caring about what’s wrong with myself.

Maybe one day I can figure out. Until then, let’s keep going through the motions.

[chef-bo-yardee-blog]

The Final Letter to my Grandfather

I wrote this like 2 years ago, but I finally found it again. I felt like posting it, so enjoy.

It’s been 2 months since you left us. 2 months since cancer finally decided that you had fought all you could against it and said “you’re not going to win this battle”. I won’t ever forget the day before that though. I’ll never forget when my grandma called me and asked if I was coming to see you that day. I’ll never forget when I said “I’m really tired from baseball, I’m just going to come tomorrow”. I’ll never forget waking up to a call from my mom at 4:30 saying that you had finally told everyone that you were done fighting and you wanted to go in peace and happiness. I’ll never forget driving up to the hospital, not believing that I didn’t get to say good bye to you. I’ll never forget not sleeping for any night from when you died until your funeral. I’ll never forget throwing my arm out because I was so angered with myself that I did something to hurt myself(and now I really regret that). I’ll never forget sitting at your funeral, telling myself how it’ll all be okay, this is just a dream.

Then reality set in. I had to realize that you were truly gone. I never got to tell you that I loved you and that no matter what I’m going to make you proud of me. I wasn’t there for grandma, or mom, or anyone else there when he passed. You told me to keep everyone strong. You told me that I had to be the tough one for all of us, that you had trained me my whole life for this exact moment. I was the one who was always there when you called. I was the one who followed you step-for-step, wanting to be exactly like you when I grew up. I always told myself that if I ever wanted to see what a great person looked like, just look at you. You were exactly who I wanted to be like.

But now for the truth, I can never forgive myself. I wasn’t there when you left. I wasn’t able to say my true last goodbye to you. I wasn’t there when you breathed your last breath, like I told myself I would. I disappeared when you and the family needed me most, and I just can never see myself being the person you were. All my life, I wanted to be like you. But, the truth is, I will never even be half of the man that you were grandpa. You were everything to everyone. I wanted to be the one to follow in your footsteps, but I’ll never be able to be you. 

2 months later and all I can even think about is how much I miss you. I hope this never changes though. Thank you for everything you did. I love you grandpa.

Your grandson,

Bernard

[chef-bo-yardee-blog]

Life Happens

You can’t control everything that is going to happen to you. Sometimes, you get thrown a curveball and you have to adjust for it. I haven’t been myself for awhile now. I know it, I’ve tried showing it to other people but I don’t think it’s noticeable. I don’t know what has happened to me, but I don’t like the person that I have become. I haven’t figured out what I’m going to do yet. I don’t know what my future holds for me. I just know that I’m probably going to be distant from everything and everyone. I need to get back to my roots and find out what is going to make me happy and what I want to do with my future. I will still be there to answer texts, calls, snapchats(mclaughlin.bo), and anything of the sorts. I’m going to stay on twitter(but my new one @bomclolin) and instagram(chef_bo_yardee) so don’t worry about that. I just won’t be as on them as normal. If you’re reading this, I thank you for caring enough to read it. 

Cheers

Bo

[chef-bo-yardee-blog]

A “new” Bo

Loneliness is a feeling that no person should ever feel. I try to tell myself that I’m going to be there for everyone. But then, I end up getting to a point where I can’t even be there for myself. And trying to rely on others to help me cheer me up really sucks when anyone I want to talk to, don’t want to talk to me. I always end up sitting by myself in my thoughts, wanting someone to just tell me “hi” randomly because I’m too afraid to force conversation. I’m too afraid to tell someone “I need help” and it’s starting to get to be too big of a problem. The burden of myself grows more, and some days, it shows. I have no energy to move or do anything productive, and some days I have to force myself to leave. That’s how it’s been for the past couple years, but some days it is way worse than others. This past week has been way worse than normal. Being alone has started to get old, and it’s starting to bother me more and more now. I don’t know what’s going to happen from it, but I just know that I’m going to be talking to a lot less people in the coming days than I used to. So if I don’t talk to you, don’t feel bad or don’t try and come back to me, there’s a reason I’m not replying to you.

[chef-bo-yardee-blog]

A part of me that no one knows

If you’re reading this, I guess in some way you care about me. The thing is… only some of you truly know me. Some of you reading this come from social medias and only know me form what I post on there and how I act on there. You may think you know me from that, but you don’t even know anything.

What you may know: yes, my name is Bo (well, actually it’s Bernard Joseph but never mind that). I do live in Alabama. I do enjoy video games, disc golf, and anything that involves me being outdoors. All my favorite sports teams suck, but I do love them, no matter how much I will continually claim I hate them. You probably think I’m annoying, at least if you follow me on twitter. But, enough about what you should know.

For the past 6 years, i’ve been battling depression. And no, it isn’t just being sad. Being depressed made it to where I couldn’t move from bed. Sometimes I couldn’t even roll over in bed, I would just stare at the wall until I feel asleep again. I could do that for 7-8 hours at a time. After about 6 months of this, I was sent to see a therapist. All therapy did was let me feel like I’m the most fucked up human there is. I tried to ignore it, and tried to pretend like i was happy. It worked, but only for short times. Deep down, I knew I ad lots of mental problems.

In the middle of all of this, I was battling an addiction. I couldn’t move without painkillers. First time I had been prescribed to them was when I was dealing with a torn muscle in my hip. They helped my hip(obviously), but then it slowly got worse. It started getting to a point where I couldn’t get out of bed unless I had my fill of Oxy. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even function at all if I didn’t have Oxy in the morning and throughout my day. I just had to have it.

Kicking an addiction is tough. It takes time. It takes a lot of work. I know, I speak from experience. I don’t remember how long it truly took me, I just know it was at least a year before I stopped thinking about taking it daily. Slowly and steadily I had to fight it on my own, I had no one to tell this too. I was afraid of how people would react. I didn’t want to be viewed negatively. I didn’t want people to look at me and think “oh there’s that kid who’s addicted to painkillers. He’s so pathetic.” So I just slowly had to ween myself off of it and had to be by myself for days and weeks at a time. It just sucked being alone for so much. It truly shows you how much people care. I don’t remember anyone checking on me and asking “are you okay” or anything like that. I was alone. I was scared. And I wanted to just end all of that.

So, I tried. I took all the Oxy I had left, and I tried to get off this earth. And I failed. It sucked. Being hospitalized sucks. Failing a mission sucks. I told myself that I wanted to leave Earth. I said “I want to die and I want it to be tonight”, but it didn’t happen that night. It hasn’t happened at all yet. I still sometimes wish it did. Some nights I just stay awake and ask myself what I did to deserve to still be on earth. I want to know why I’m still here. I just wish I could figure out what the purpose of me being here is, because I still genuinely hate myself and hate my life. I truly feel like I have two people who care. It sucks. I’m alone 99% of the time and that never changes.

This was all happening in 2011-2012. Fast forward two years. I’m clean. I feel like I can let myself be happy again. I genuinely enjoy life. And then I lose the man I most looked up to. I lost my grandfather to cancer. And the day he was buried is the day I feel like I went right back down the roller coaster of life. I lost my sober streak. The morning of his funeral, I had to take more Oxy. I could take 5 or 6 times the average recommended amount for it. I truly needed that much just to function. It got bad. It got bad, fast. I lost who I was, I felt like I lost my friends and I felt like I was alone again. I just wanted to give up. I tried to give up. Again. I tried to give up my whole life because I didn’t see a purpose in me staying on this earth.

Depression eats you from the inside-out. Depression hurts a person more than anyone without it will recognize, but they will just write it off as being sad. Depression has completely destroyed me personally, and still does to this day. But I don’t feel alone anymore. It’s helped. The worst thing for someone with depression is feeling alone. I know this. I can see it in others when they feel alone, that’s why I try to be a nice person. I don’t know what others are going through, so I don’t want them to ever think they are alone.

It was a battle I almost lost. I don’t want to see any person I know lose the battle that I could’ve lost. I don’t know how it would’ve affected anyone(or if it would’ve), but for now, we will not have to find out.

If you’re actually reading this to end, you deserve something. I don’t know what, but you’re awesome and ily

[chef-bo-yardee-blog]

A letter to my Teenage Self

Let me tell you this now. DO. WHAT. YOU. WANT. NOT. WHAT. OTHERS. WANT. I cannot emphasize how important this is. You need to make yourself happy, who cares if you piss off a girlfriend or a best friend. They should want you to be happy and truly experiencing your life, not forcing you to do stuff you don’t want to. Another thing to think about for you, don’t care about your “school friends”, you won’t be talking to them after you graduate anyways. You’re only there because you’re stuck and nothing else. Baseball is the one true friend for you right now, don’t fucking worry about anyone else. Just stay true to yourself, and just trust that what you want is what’s best and don’t let others convince you differently. Pursue your dreams, forget what others think, and make sure that you always do what you want to do.

I know you miss some of those that you’ve lost, but they’re always going to be with you. You don’t have to do anything stupid and don’t have to force yourself into anything that you don’t want to. Don’t pick up anything that you know you shouldn’t, there are tons of people who you don’t know yet that will matter to you more than you could ever imagine, and you will regret seeing what you were when you realize how much stronger you are than this.

Hug grandpa… just trust me. You need him now so much more than you can ever realize.