captainzetterbeard

[captainzetterbeard]

Top Ten Reasons You Should Hire Me Despite My Disillusionment With Reality And My Subsequent Hatred For The System

[captainzetterbeard]

avengers end game spoiler

thanos has sex for like, 10 straight minutes on screen. you’d think it’d be a good time to go pee since it’s not exactly plot relevant but every cinema locks the doors when this scene plays

[captainzetterbeard]

emperor of rome (self-diagnosed)

[captainzetterbeard]

you call it “really bad at darts”, I call it freestyle acupuncture

[captainzetterbeard]

not to be a history fucker on main but the whole mystery of the lost colony of roanoke is so fucking funny

[captainzetterbeard]

do you think you’d actually notice if someone didn’t cast a shadow? or if their limbs were just slightly too long? or if they had just a little too many teeth? like how many times have you passed Something on the street and you just didn’t Notice It

[captainzetterbeard]

human brain: Opportunity rover accomplished its mission and then some! It lasted far longer than we could’ve ever hoped. This should be celebrated, Opportunity did really well.

monkey brain: BUT SHE DIED ALL ALONE AND IN THE DARK AND ON A PLANET ALL THE WAY OUT IN SPACE AWAY FROM HOME!!! DOES SHE KNOW HOW PROUD OF HER WE ARE?! DID SHE THINK WE FORGOT ABOUT HER?! I LOVE HER AND I WANT HER TO BE HAPPY AND TO THRIVE AND I JUST WANT TO HUG HER AND LET HER KNOW HOW MUCH I CARE ABOUT HER!!! WE DIDN’T FORGET ABOUT YOU, OPPY!!! WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND I WOULD KILL ANYONE AND EVERYONE JUST FOR YOU TO HAVE PASSED AMONG FRIENDS AND FAMILY HERE ON EARTH!!!

[captainzetterbeard]

This is one of the thai restaurants in my hometown and i can tell you first hand this lady is wonderful

[captainzetterbeard]

a quick step by step guide on what to do if you come back to your apartment and find yourself locked out because your front door is frozen shut

kick the bottom of the door for 10 minutes

text your landlord

remember your landlord is on vacation and also in her mid 50′s so it takes about 36 hours to receive a response

briefly wonder why the fuck you moved the canada

remember that college tuition is significantly cheaper here than in the united states 

look up and notice your cat is at the window, staring at you. he paws at the window lightly and meows. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. decide that you have to get inside your apartment at all costs. not even god himself can stop you from feeding your cat his chicken wet food dinner. frida kahlo herself could descend from the heavens and ask “hey you wanna bang?” and you’d say “hell yeah but first let me open this door so i can feed my cat his dinner”

remember there is a starbucks 3 blocks down the street from you

enter. the barista gives you a weird look for entering a starbucks at 7pm on a tuesday

order a venti cup of hot water. you order in french because the barista just said “bonjour” instead of “bonjour, hi.” you have a strong american accent. you hit the r in merci a little too hard to compensate. you embarrass yourself.

exit the starbucks clutching the massive cup of hot water in your hands. it’s burning your fingers.

return. methodically pour the starbucks cup of water all over the the door frame. it begins moving a little but still wont open

back up

ensure your doc martens are properly gripping the sheet of ice covering the ground. many people have told you to stop wearing doc martens in the winter, despite your protests that theyre actually the ideal winter boot. also, you’re a lesbian and punk’s not dead

release a pterodactyl screech and sprint towards the door, slamming the full force of your pathetically tiny 5′2″ 110lb body into it

you dont know any of your neighbors so you dont care about maintaining your pride anyways

the door swings open

run up the stairs

open the actual door to your apartment and yell MOMMY’S HOME MY LITTLE BITCHASS BABY BOY DONT WORRY at your cat

cat flings his body to the ground and starts purring like he does every time you come home

write tumblr post

[captainzetterbeard]

“This is a teachable moment for you.”

[captainzetterbeard]

Actually, Ratatouille is the dish’s name, you’re thinking of Ratatouille’s monster.

[captainzetterbeard]

[captainzetterbeard]

honeymoon is an interesting term because an actual moon made of honey would imply space bees which is pretty horrifying

[captainzetterbeard]

god this feels like im being chased by a serial killer with a fucking boombox blaring this

[captainzetterbeard]

[captainzetterbeard]

Some wholesome news today lads

[captainzetterbeard]