bpddespairsisters

[bpddespairsisters]

poem i wrote a while ago about growing up with trauma. 

[bpddespairsisters]

Daughters really do share deep rooted emotional trauma with/inherit deep rooted emotional trauma from their mothers and I know it’s true bc whenever I try to approach a sensitive topic with my mom, no matter how calm and civil and patient I intend to be no matter how much I’ve practiced what I want to say no matter how OK I was even a moment before, I always involuntarily burst into desperate, angry hysterics the moment I open my mouth. As though it’s coming from a place buried so far within me I cannot even register its existence until it has overtaken me. And I know I’m not alone on this either. There is so much we internalize from our mothers that we never learn to contend with. That we never even learn to recognize

[bpddespairsisters]

OooOOOOhhhhhhh I wanna starve again....just a fact.

[bpddespairsisters]

“I didnt wanna be this sad girl person so I tried to cut her out mom I tried to burn her out / tried to kill her in your own damn house mom / I say are you hungry she says does god still love you”

— mehrin s, from Rioting For Gloria (via lifeinpoetry)

[bpddespairsisters]

Being a Physical Abuse Survivor in Therapy Like

Me: I'm not an angry person, the thought of violence makes me so sick, I'm terrified of physical aggression-

*five minutes later*

Me: I always have these dreams where I physically fight my father/brother/other kinds of abusers and try to beat the shit out of him, I want to destroy things with my bare hands when I'm angry, I fantasize about going down to the basement and screaming-

[bpddespairsisters]

me: well things are bad. what should we do

brain: the death

me: we've been over this. we can't just die every time something goes remotely wrong

brain, louder, and more insistently: The Death

[bpddespairsisters]

[bpddespairsisters]

>does badly on a project >is apparently one of the few that asked for feedback >hands next portion of the project in early for more feedback to hopefully do better >”nice work, but very late!”  >project isn’t due until tomorrow

???!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!!!!!??????????????????????????????????

[bpddespairsisters]

my ab psych teacher mentioned early in the semester that people think she’s being harsh when giving them corrections on the semester long project we’re working on (which i think is gonna be all we’re doing in class? a poster on one singular solitary disorder? and anything else is gonna be online work which is dumb as shit??? so i’m gonna have to take this class again to, you know, know what I should know to YOU KNOW actually go into the field I wanna go into) and i just got an email and like......maybe.................people wouldnt think that.........................if you’d watch your tone and wording?????????????????????? and not get on them for things you hadn’t mentioned in class???????????????????????????????? for things that I didn’t think were being graded at the moment???????????????????????????????????? because this is a semester long class and god forfucking bid i get extra credit for getting work done early??????????????????????????????????????????????? instead of being docked for it for doing it wrong?????????????????????????????????????? because i did it before it was assigned and therefore didn’t know how it was supposed to be done????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

[bpddespairsisters]

i’m trying to do homework but oh my GOD every little noise is like nails on a fuckin chalkboard and it feels like my brain fuzzes out every time I try to read, i hate this

[bpddespairsisters]

“Trauma is weird. It takes up the whole body: you sweat it out. It lives in your skin and in the depths of your intestines and between your legs. It shakes and dizzies and bends you double. Trauma can’t be compared: it doesn’t matter that someone else survived the same thing without a scratch, or that someone is getting by in a different way. Your body has its own rules and you have to follow them. It took me a long time to understand this.”

— IN DEFENCE OF NOT CARING ABOUT ANYTHING, @aranrhod (via anxiety-relief-masterposts)

[bpddespairsisters]

History is LITTERED with the bodies of traumatized women and men straight up DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ASSAULT like. Every story with multiple men talks about how they laughed and how sometimes there’s one guy who’s unsure but ultimately goes along with it because it’s all about the MALE FUCKIN BONDING brutalizing women is MALE BONDING everyone, chewing women up and spitting them out and laughing counts as MALE BONDING they’ll even make fun of other men being brutalized like that and call it MALE BONDING

[bpddespairsisters]

BE PREPARED FOR REJECTION WHEN YOU REFUSE TO BE MANIPULATED

[bpddespairsisters]

Like he’s been doing this shit since I said something to him about how he needs to give one of the clients her medication and breakfast bc that’s overnight’s responsibility even though he’d been working overnights for like TWO MONTHS and not doing it, and it’s only gotten worse since my two other coworkers and I said something to our boss about that and him essentially doing nothing but sleeping when he works overnights, so I’m sure as shit it’s fucking reprisal. It’s been a WHILE since I’ve been this angry at something, I’m 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪

My coworker is almost an hour FUCKING late and didn’t even bother to call ahead, $50 if he gets here before the other coworker who called ahead about having a dentist appointment, he’s gonna waltz in an hour and a half late with either zero explanation or “oh man, I overslept”

[bpddespairsisters]

My coworker is almost an hour FUCKING late and didn’t even bother to call ahead, $50 if he gets here before the other coworker who called ahead about having a dentist appointment, he’s gonna waltz in an hour and a half late with either zero explanation or “oh man, I overslept”

[bpddespairsisters]

a lesbian literally can not be in a healthy relationship with a man like yes there are lesbians who do have boyfriends and husbands for a myriad of reasons but it’s literally not possible for a healthy relationship to exist. it’s either a lesbian forcing herself to be with a man bc she’s in denial about her sexuality or she’s forced to settle with men given unfortunate circumstances outside her control. there’s no way for anyone to be like “but im a lesbian in a healthy relationship with a man” it’s literally impossible and it makes me sad there’s girls out here who think that

[bpddespairsisters]

Oh my fucking god