awvlesbian

[awvlesbian]

this is amazing but it’s gonna go over yt people heads anyway

[awvlesbian]

Untitled Goose-Ra

[awvlesbian]

Heart - Part Two. Rainbows Everywhere!

[awvlesbian]

Maybe

I can just tell her, that I’m gay and that I have always been, and that I also have anxiety and I have always had anxiety and that’s all I have to say. There is no reason to dredge up what has passed now, the events of the past that are long gone. Only I know some of the things, and there is no rule saying that I must tell her everything. I don’t have to tell her everything. I need only show her the parts of me she can see. Only the pieces she needs to see me fully and nothing more. I can let her in, bit by bit and over time, maybe we can get back to normal. Someday

[awvlesbian]

Counseling

I didn’t tell my mom about going to counseling or starting an anti-anxiety med because I was afraid she would say no and I didn’t want her to think I was weak, I didn’t want her to doubt me. I didn’t tell her because I can’t explain to her why I am anxious and what I am anxious about without implicating her. And I don’t want her to feel like she failed or that she is hurting me. Even though she is, hurting me, that is. Though I don’t think she knows the extent of it. I couldn’t tell her that she is reason I am scared, that she makes me anxious and all the hiding I do makes me anxious and the anxiety I have over what she will think is what constantly pounds at me.

[awvlesbian]

Pride month

Pride month always makes me feel, so much. I desperately want to be a part of the celebration and all the representation makes my heart unspeakably happy but in the place where I am now, pride is still dangerous. It could get you targeted and hurt. And I know that’s the whole point, we’re still fighting to be seen as equals, to be treated as humans. The first pride parade was a riot, Where many people got hurt. Seeing all the love and acceptance is beautiful but at the same time, girls holding hands are beaten up on subways and boys kissing are murdered in the night. I can see why my mother is scared, why she would want me to be straight. It’s so much easier to just do exactly what society expects of you. But what she doesn’t understand is that I can’t, I can’t control being gay anymore than she can control being female or 5’5”. I can’t change what my heart wants, what my heart yearns for, just because it would make things easier. I feel like a coward because I will not stand up and endanger myself along with all the other people who are endangering themselves for me. I’m scared. And I can’t help but hear her voice in the back of my head, telling me not to make myself a target. Telling me not to choose this, as if I can choose not to be what I am. As if I can choose not be a lesbian. As if I change my heart.

[awvlesbian]

Lies

I feel like a spider. I’ve woven a web of lies that are so tangled now that I cannot unravel them without destroying everything. Maybe I need only unravel a couple of threads and the rest can remain, secrets of mine until the end. Maybe there are so things that just don’t need to be told. Maybe I can pretend that all the lies I have told previously that are yet undiscovered aren’t lies at all and simply add the truth on top. How am I supposed to know, if she will see the untangled thread and pull, unraveling the rest? Will she see right through my carefully spun excuses and cover ups? Will she still love me or trust me when it’s all said and done? I guess we’ll see.

[awvlesbian]

Traveling

My mom really got under my skin when she said she wasn’t sure if she wanted me traveling with “such bad anxiety”. Now I’m not sure if I’m capable of this trip, I’m second guessing myself when I was confident before. Now I’m scared and more nervous than ever. All in all, right now I wish I hadn’t told her

[awvlesbian]

Web of lies

I don’t know if I can come back from this. I’ve built the web of lies so well I can’t figure out how to dismantle it. Where do I start? How do I tell her that I’ve been lying to her for years? Especially when the smallest thing I didn’t tell her makes her so sad and mad. She’ll never trust me again, I’ll always be a liar. Hiding it makes it worse, now it’s like this terrible thing that I thought I had to hide because I knew “it was wrong”. She’ll never understand. It will break us

[awvlesbian]

Ugh

Now she’s blaming herself, for my keeping it a secret. She thinks it’s her fault that she didn’t see how I was feeling and she is so sad that she didn’t realize it. But then in the same breath she is mad at me for keeping it a secret, and saying that she knows i kept it a secret because I knew what she would say. And she says I better not do that again, keep things from her like that again. And I’m not whether to consol her and tell her that it’s not her fault or get mad at her and tell her she is part of the problem and I knew she would be mad so I didn’t tell her. I’m so torn because I love her, and I never want to hurt her but I also don’t want her to be mad at me and I am so mad at her sometimes.

[awvlesbian]

Hey if you’re in the closet but it’s safe for you to come out, don’t feel pressured to come out before you’re ready.

Yes, it’s not safe for some people to come out and we should recognize that. But there’s also a lot of people out there that just aren’t ready. Aren’t ready for things to change, or know they’ll be safe but aren’t sure what the exact reaction will be, or just aren’t prepared mentally or any other number of things.

Before I came out I knew it would be safe, but I wasn’t ready yet and I felt so guilty. Coming out is a big decision. Do it when you’re ready and not a moment before. You’re not lying to anyone and you’re not holding the community back. Just breathe and take your time. You’ll be ready someday, but don’t force yourself to do anything before then.

[awvlesbian]

Anxiety

I finally talked to my mom about my anxiety and depression. I told her about going to counseling and seeing a doctor about medication. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that I have been taking medication for a whole 6 something months now and that’s why I “don’t seem anxious or depressed”. I led her to believe that the counseling and the exercise is why I am feeling better. I feel bad leaving that out but she’s really against medications and she doesn’t think I need to be “medicated” which she says like a bad word. She said that I needed to think about the “implications” both the medical implications that “the doctors won’t tell you about” and the moral implications, the effect that the record could have on my future. She’s never believed me when I tell her how bad my anxiety is, she dimishes it and makes me feel like I’m over reacting. So I hide it and don’t tell her how bad it is, and then she doesn’t believe me when I try. I don’t want her to second guess me and make me second guess myself. I am an adult, I have been dealing with this on my own. Mostly because I cannot bear her judgement and can’t have her think of me as weak or broken. I need her to see me as a capable adult who can do things. I don’t tell her also, because I cannot explain to her the full cause of my anxiety and depression. I can’t tell her that she is a major cause of anxiety for me and that being gay makes me feel lonely and sad at home. That her judgement and how she thinks of me is a major source of anxiety for me; in addition to the stress of holding myself back for the sake of her reputation. The lies have weight. Hearing her talk about people like me in a deragatory way without knowing she is insulting me breaks my heart.

[awvlesbian]

I wanted to go to a 5k at Marshall but mom asked what it was for. And she said is it for Pride? She doesn’t see the point of going to something that is risky in the way that it collects up people who are disliked in one place to be hurt by someone. She doesn’t see that for me, the risk is worth it, because it’s an opportunity to meet people like me in a place that isn’t usually very nice to people like me. Pride is finally happening near me and I want to celebrate it.

[awvlesbian]

I feel so alone, not alone in the way that there’s no one around because there’s currently a dog right next to me but alone in my emotions like there’s no one to share anything with. I used to have a friend who was also gay and raised in the same area so I talked to them whenever I encountered something that made me upset or something that I knew only they would understand and now I don’t talk to them anymore. And I don’t have anyone that I can really message and talk to about being gay in West Virginia. The response that you get from some people in the older generation when they see something new like a movie that has a gay main character. The way they describe about two girls kissing as porn and get mad that they paid money to see such a movie. Even when they say, “I’m okay with the gays, my nephew is gay” and it’s “fine, I just don’t want to see it.” And you forget how isolating it feels to be at home because during the school year in the dormitory there’s always someone around, there’s always someone there to talk to you, and if you start crying there’s someone to ask you what’s wrong. But I don’t have that at home. I have a mother who loves me but couldn’t even start to understand how I feel and what I’m going through. And who works a lot and doesn’t really want to discuss feelings. And who only wants to talk about what I’m making her for dinner. I feel like I’m going through everything again. I realized I don’t know if my friends from school actually like me when I’m not right there, you know, and that’s a stupid thought because they have to like me but I can’t help but think. Because none of them say anything over the summer they’re all too busy with their own stuff and I love to talk to them and see how they are but sometimes I need someone to ask me how I am, sincerely, and actually care about what my responses is. Someone who I wouldn’t be afraid to tell the truth to, because with my mom, she’s my mom, and when she asks me if I’m OK all I can say is yes because I can’t begin to explain any of this to her. She wouldn’t get it.

[awvlesbian]

Summers make me lonely. They make me want for human interaction, wherever I can get it. Especially young human interaction. I don’t see people my age very often when I’m home. They are around, everyone around is older neighbors. In order to hang out with people my age I have to seek them out and then explain where I’m going to my mom. But the alternative, staying at home without interaction will drive me crazy. They make me lonelier for someone to love, to hold, and to talk to.

[awvlesbian]

Going back to your high-school after you graduate is weird. It’s like being thrown back in, you get hit by all this deja vu but yet, it feels like it doesn’t fit anymore. Like looking at an old shirt that you used to love but doesn’t fit you right anymore. You’re done with it, but you can’t just throw it away because it means too much. Going back to my high school brings back all of my high school insecurities and anxieties. I can’t stop thinking about how much I loved the group but also felt so isolated in it. There were good parts and bad parts