asynchronouslove

[asynchronouslove]

So, has the Internet changed the way that we connect with romantic partners?

The answer is yes: The integration of the Internet [and texting specifically] into our daily lives has transformed how romantic connections form, evolve, and even dissolve.

Although the psychological principles of interpersonal attraction themselves have not changed, their relevancy and impact on the formation of romantic relationships have shifted in response to the advent of the Internet and digital communication. There is a decreased need for physical proximity when initiating and maintaining romantic relationships.

The Internet has provided us with new avenues of flirtation and ways to connect with [potential] romantic partners, as is evident in the studies that I explored, the material from Psychological Effects of the Internet, and the responses from my lovely interviewees.

[asynchronouslove]

The Internet as a New Dimension of Flirting

(づ๑•ᴗ•๑)づ♡(ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡

A lot of modern day relationships begin online. The added dimension of asynchronous communication to romantic relationships has served to deepen and facilitate pre existing ones as well as kindle new connections.

I asked my interviewees whether they thought that the introduction of the Internet has added another dimensions to flirtation and romantic interaction. The sentiments shared by the reveal a complex landscape in which digital communication serves to facilitate and regulate romantic connections.

First, dating apps—like Hinge, Bumble, and Tinder—have become a primary interface for initiating romantic relationships. These apps all use instant messages as a way for users to communicate with people they have matched with. Through this form of asynchronous digital communication, individuals are glimpsing first impressions and figuring out whether they would like to take things a step further and meet in person.

Not only does texting serve as an important form of communication, it is also arguably somewhat of a litmus test for relationship viability. One of my interviewees explains "I will absolutely ghost someone if I feel like we aren't vibing over text—texting has become such a big part of how we maintain relationships." She further elaborates by expressing that "the way you text with a person definitely has a say in how your relationship goes." In other words, the intensity and frequency of text message exchanges can dictate the emotional climate of a [potential] romantic relationship.

The subtleties of digital flirting also extend to social media, where the simple action of liking a story or leaving a comment on a post can be perceived as flirtatious. This dimension of digital flirtation adds layers to how individuals can express interest and engage with potential romantic partners.

The Internet and texting have become an indispensable part of the formation and facilitation of romantic connections. For many people, the absence of the Internet would make the dating scene more difficult to navigate today. Another interviewee noted that "[they] know a lot of people who wouldn't be dating if it weren't for online dating or texting."

The insights from my interviewees provide a look into the nuanced ways that the Internet and asynchronous digital forms of communication are intertwined with modern romance.

[asynchronouslove]

Benefits of Texting in Romantic Connections

Texting provides a way for romantic partners to stay connected even when they are apart. It offers a positive, immediate way to express affective and maintain intimacy without diminishing perceptions of closeness (Wagner et al., 2022).

Moreover, it allows individuals a greater degree of control over their interactions as compared to in-person conversations—as they can decide when and how to respond (Wagner et al., 2022). Utilizing texting to express affection can even enhance relationship satisfaction, which in turn increases feelings of closeness and commitment (Wagner et al., 2022).

Being able to communicate via the Internet doesn't detract from the formation of romantic relationships. Instead, it helps facilitate face-to-face dating and intimacy by increasing romantic communication between two people (Pinsky, 2023).

Pinsky, D. (2023). Mediated risk: A qualitative exploration of students’ experiences flirting online. Sexualities. https://doi.org/10.1177/13634607231224159

Wagner, T., Punyanunt-Carter, N., & McCarthy, E. (2022). Rules, reciprocity, and emojis: An exploratory study on flirtatious texting with romantic partners. Southern Communication Journal, 87(5), 461–475. https://doi.org/10.1080/1041794x.2022.2108889

[asynchronouslove]

This is a screenshot of a conversation between one of my interviewees and her (now) boyfriend. However, this conversation took place when they were still in the "talking phase." This text conversation shows a shared sense of humor—namely sarcasm—that is being conveyed via text. This is a great illustration of how asynchronous digital communication has added a new dimension to how we flirt. We are able to deduce a tone from written words to the point where a mutual interest can be inferred.

[asynchronouslove]

Asynchronous digital communication can't provide people with non-verbal cues that we use to determine whether or not someone is flirting with us. As a result, online flirting has taken on a persona of its own in which we employ methods of flirting unique to asynchronous communication.

One of my interviewees explained that they can tell if someone is flirting with them via text when they are texting a lot throughout the day and when "a certain combination of emojis [is used], like the little blushing emoji with its hand over the mouth or the little monkey covering its eyes—basically things that emulate blushing."

🤭🙈

Research has revealed that the synchronization of emoji used patterns seem to have two important functions in online dating. First, pattern matching is used as a digital feedback tool to assess romantic compatibility—where emoji use patterns are thought to indicate personality traits (Nexø et al., 2020). Pattern matching involves factors like the frequency of emoji usage, types of emojis used, and their communicated meanings. Second, attunement [or synchrony] of emoji use patterns between two people is used to signal and gauge romantic interest (Nexø et al., 2020). This data suggests that emojis play a similar role as nonverbal behaviors do in an offline context.

Nexø, L. A., & Strandell, J. (2020). Testing, filtering, and insinuating: Matching and attunement of emoji use patterns as non-verbal flirting in online dating. Poetics, 83, 101477. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.poetic.2020.101477

[asynchronouslove]

Memes

Data from the popular dating app "Hinge" shows that memes are emerging as a way to show affection (Iovine, 2023).

73% of respondents use memes to determine if they share a sense of humor with a match

60% prioritize getting a sense of someone's "meme humor" before going on a date

93% say memes reveal a potential partner's sense of humor

92% of daters consider a shared sense of humor to be an important factor when considering getting into a relationship

Hinge's Director of Relationship Science, Logan Ury, states: "Our digital sense of humor has become an important part of our identity." Memes are defined as an internet image [or video clip] that reflect some sort of social or cultural commentary that can communicate niche jokes, reflect the attitudes of a group of people, speak to our personal values, and allow us to approach current events from a more accessible angle (Stolar, 2022).

College student and journalist Sarah Stolar (2022) explains that sending [meme] content that doesn't match the recipient's humor can be a great indicator of a lack of personal compatibility. Memes mirror the senders and what memes someone chooses to send us reveals their understanding of us. Communication via the Internet is frequently dismissed as shallow, lacking depth and intimacy—yet, in reality, interactions via the Internet with people we are close to, or building connections with, can be profoundly eloquent and expressive (Stolar, 2022). When someone knows your mind so well that they can complement it with the online content they share, can foster feelings of being understood and appreciated.

Below are some examples of memes that I have saved in my camera roll from Pinterest.

Iovine, A. (2023, May 25). Memes are a love language, Hinge says. Mashable. https://mashable.com/article/meme-love-language-hinge

Stolar, S. (2022, March 23). Memes: The Sixth Love Language. The Michigan Daily. https://www.michigandaily.com/statement/memes-the-sixth-love-language/

[asynchronouslove]

Flirting Online

A 2023 research study, conducted by Dina Pinsky, looked at how college students flirt through technology with people they have both met in person and online. More specifically, she examines how college students use features unique to social media and cell phones to help them manage interpersonal vulnerability and embarrassment—an inherent part of flirting. Pinsky calls this "mediated risk," defining it as the perception of reduced risk among college students when flirting online.

Digitally mediated flirtation is popular amongst college students because it allows them to express desire and test the waters for mutual attraction while having a greater sense of being in control [and less vulnerable] than they would with flirting in person. Pinksy conducted a series of interviews and noted that those who told her that they prefer to flirt in person said that they also flirt online because of social expectations.

She found that digitally mediated communication (DMC) is employed in tandem with in-person communication for flirtation. To be more precise, when college students are attracted to a peer, they communicate via social media and cells phones as a way of augmenting their face-to-face interactions. DMC does not detract from the formation of romantic relationships, rather, "it helps smooth the way into face-to-face dating and intimacy by increasing romantic communication" (Pinsky, 2023).

Physical distance and the asynchronicity of the Internet give people control over communication timing and the space to consider their word choice. In fact, despite "moral panics about the dangers of internet technology," digitally mediated flirting has become commonplace for college students looking to explore intimacy with each other. With this said, digital communication does not completely replace face-to-face flirting and romantic interactions. Rather, it offers additional, more nuanced ways for people to spend more time flirting.

∧,,,,,∧ (  ̳• · • ̳) /    づ♡

Pinsky, D. (2023). Mediated risk: A qualitative exploration of students’ experiences flirting online. Sexualities. https://doi.org/10.1177/13634607231224159

[asynchronouslove]

This is a screenshot of a part of conversation between one of my interviewees and a guy with whom she is casually seeing—who lives in a different state than her. The first couple of messages are expressing a check-in to ensure continued interest from the guy, to which he promptly responds by saying "it is there"—it, being his interest in her. He proceeds to send a meme of a Spongebob background with text saying "need a bad b*tch who fw spongebob." My interviewee responds with "LOL" and a Spongebob meme of her own. This conversation illustrates a playful, modern way of communicating via memes by playing into a shared sense of meme humor. In this exchange, the memes serves as a form of communication and also aids in tone setting and emotional expression asynchronously.

[asynchronouslove]

How has the internet changed the way we navigate romantic relationships?

Research suggests that young people utilize "new media technologies" to flirt with one another, initiate new relationships, maintain existing relationships, and fight and end relationships (Meenagh, 2015). In fact, new media technologies have changed the ways that [young] people interact with each other—many are learning how to negotiate their romantic and sexual relationships within these new contexts. They provide people with different tools for navigating the various stages of their love/sex lives and play an important role when it comes to young people initiating romantic and/or sexual relationships.

A big part of flirting with someone involves being emotionally vulnerable. New media technologies allow people to flirt in a way that might feel less vulnerable than in-person communication (Meenagh, 2015). Using the Internet to flirt gives individuals the opportunity to carefully craft their messages, allowing them to ease their way into flirting while also avoiding the potential embarrassment of rejection. Someone who might not feel comfortable or confident enough to tell someone that they're attracted to them in real life, but through digital communication, they can put those thoughts into a message and hit send without direct confrontation.

However, the ambiguity of digital communication can also create confusion amongst the parties involved—for instance, are they flirting with me or is it one sided? Due to the lack of access to non-verbal cues [to interpret behavior], people have to rely on second-order information to determine the intentions behinds another's asynchronous communication (Meenagh, 2015). Second-order information refers to the background knowledge of a situation and pre-existing expectations of communication. Decoding second-order information is essential to understanding the meaning behind communication conducted digitally.

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Meenagh, J. (2015). Flirting, dating, and breaking up within New Media Environments. Sex Education, 15(5), 458–471. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681811.2015.1033516

your new cupid 💘

[asynchronouslove]

The internet has decreased the need for physical proximity when it comes to forming and/or maintaining relationships (i.e. the propinquity effect). People no longer need to be in the same city, state, or even country to form and maintain a relationship.

Online dating platforms, social media, and other forms of digital communication allow people to meet and interact with potential romantic partners they never would have encountered otherwise—due to geographical barriers. The globalization of dating has broadened many people's horizons and has enabled them to explore relationships with a more diverse range of people.

A prime example of this is that one of my interviewees is currently 'talking' (i.e. both parties are romantically interested in each other but are not officially dating) to someone who lives in a different state than her. She explained that "texting is necessary, especially with building a connection where you don't see each other as often." Texting, in particular, provides a positive, immediate way to express affection when romantic partners are not in the same vicinity (Wagner et al., 2022).

Another interviewee touched upon this as well by saying: "Now you’re able to form relationships with people that are far away from you or who you wouldn’t normally see as much because we have that form of online communication; back then you dated people who were in your circle of people who you saw regularly; now you can form relationships with a wider range of people because you’re not confined to your immediate community."

Because of the Internet, long-distanced relationships have become more common. Partners can maintain a sense of felt closeness through frequent digital communication via texting, video calling, social media, etc. This newfound way of being to support each other [albeit virtually] has made maintaining long-distance relationships more sustainable for many.

Ultimately, the internet has changed the way in which we connect with romantic partners by reducing geographical barriers and supporting long-distance relationships. These changes have made dating and connecting with romantic partners more accessible for many people.

You are no longer limited to the people around you when looking for love—the possibilities are endless!

( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)

Wagner, T., Punyanunt-Carter, N., & McCarthy, E. (2022). Rules, reciprocity, and emojis: An exploratory study on flirtatious texting with romantic partners. Southern Communication Journal, 87(5), 461–475. https://doi.org/10.1080/1041794x.2022.2108889

[asynchronouslove]

Although some people might show preference for a partner who is different than they are, studies show that when it comes to texting, people desire and tend to provide a high degree of similarity when flirting (Wagner et al., 2022). This includes things like emoji, gif, and meme usage as well as the length, frequency and timing of text messages.

For instance, if someone has a low proclivity for texting, they might be more satisfied in a relationship when their parter texts infrequently (and vice versa). In fact, similarity when it comes to initiating a text message exchange and affectionate texts strengthens relational satisfaction (Wagner et al., 2022). This in turn can lead to an increase in closeness and commitment within the relationship.

Wagner, T., Punyanunt-Carter, N., & McCarthy, E. (2022). Rules, reciprocity, and emojis: An exploratory study on flirtatious texting with romantic partners. Southern Communication Journal, 87(5), 461–475. https://doi.org/10.1080/1041794x.2022.2108889

[asynchronouslove]

PT. 3 — Balancing Both

Although opinions varied amongst the interviewees, some did point out that having a balance, or combination of both could be ideal. More specifically, sharing core values and some interests is important, but having differences also adds spice and adventure to romantic relationships. One of the interviewees noted that while they prefer "birds of a feather," or similarities, they welcome new qualities that an "opposite" partner might bring, as this could make the relationship more exciting.

Overall, whether "birds of a feather flock together" or "opposites attract" is better for romantic relationships ultimately depends on the individuals in the relationship. Similarities can provide a strong foundation for building connections and differences can add variety and keep things interesting. The key is finding a balance that works for both partners to ensure that the relationship is fulfilling and satisfies their needs.

[asynchronouslove]

PT. 2 — Opposite Attract

By contrast, a couple of the interviewees voiced their opinion that "opposites attract" can lead to longer-lasting romantic relationships. One person brought up the point that although "birds of a feather might work initially, opposites attract is better for longevity." She noted that while having things in common can create an initial spark, it's the differences that sustain long-term interest in each other. With opposites, there's always something new to learn about each other—to discover.

Another interviewee said that having multiple—even contrasting—perspectives leads to more engaging conversations. When two people come from different backgrounds, there's an opportunity to learn and grow together. Having differences can challenge people to see things from different viewpoints—having the potential to strengthen bonds over time.

One person voiced that they think that being too similar to someone might lead to boredom or bumping heads as a result of too similar personalities. Another interviewee voiced that learning more [new] things about a person can increase their attraction to them and they believe that "it's harder to feel or maintain that connection when there are too many similarities."

[asynchronouslove]

PT. 1 — Birds of a Feather Flock Together

(｡･ө･｡) ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚(｡･ө･｡)

Many of my interviewees voiced the opinion that "birds of a feather flock together" make for better romantic relationships—supporting the idea that having things in common forms the strongest bonds. One interviewee noted that "if [they] have a lot in common, [they] can talk to a person really passionately about something, that leads to more frequent conversations which can lead to something happening." He expressed that there have been times where he and a girl have been "too different and nothing happened."

Another interviewee talked about the shared understanding and common ground that comes with sharing similarities—referring to scientists specifically.

"Scientists dating other scientists makes sense—you get excited about your work, someone who gets your frustrations, who gets how hard you work; whoever is opposite of you probably wouldn’t understand if I just said oh our samples today were massive! They likely wouldn't understand the nuance of that."

They argued that, with the concept of opposites attract, there isn't that immediate, mutual understanding. They explained that when there's a shared interest, "you can go down a rabbit hole where you find out that you have even more in common."

Someone else argued that being with someone who shares your interest can help relationships blossom naturally—especially since they personally find it easier to connect with people with similar experiences. Shared interests are another way to easily build rapport with someone and pave the way for a romantic connection.

One interviewee summed up their response by stating that "if someone doesn't get something that is important to you, it can feel like a wall"—which is why they believe that having similarities is more key to the success of a romantic relationship than having differences.

[asynchronouslove]

Birds of a Feather Flock Together v. Opposites Attract: Which is Better for Romantic Relationships?

These two phrases refer directly to two psychological principles of interpersonal attraction—the Similarity Attraction Effect and Complementarity, respectively. When it comes to romantic relationships, there's a long-standing debate about whether "birds of a feather flock together" or "opposites attract." I asked my interviewees what they thought about the matter.

[asynchronouslove]

This is a screenshot of a conversation between one of my interviewees and a former potential romantic partner of hers. This is a brand new text chain since they had just acquired each other's phone numbers, so she teasingly sends "I know exactly what I'm gonna make ur profile photo."

His responses suggest that he's aware of what photo she is talking about and she responds by saying that she has multiple—three to be exact. She feeds into a light hearted tone by texting "Hehehehe," to reinforce the playful nature of this conversation. He responds "fuck you," but you can almost feel they eye roll and smirk through the screen. She eggs him on, stating that even if he finds a crazy profile picture for her, it will never be as good as the crazy one she has for him.

Even though this is a texting conversation, you can tell that it has a humorous, flirty tone to it. There is light teasing and potentially a history of playful banter, even though this is their first text exchange.

[asynchronouslove]

Multiple interviewees stated that they could tell is someone is flirting with them via text based on their words and usage of GIFS, memes, and specific emojis. Some noted that they could tell based on what was being said and others based on the frequency of texts throughout the day. One reported that they "think when someone is flirting with you via text, they hint at sort of sexual things [and be] more 'banter-y' and playful—flirting feels more playful, almost childlike—you're not just having an adult conversation."

Flirting in-person and over text share some similarities in that both involve some degree of:

giving compliments

asking questions [to get to know each other]

poking fun at/teasing each other

Yet, differences come up as well. Flirting in person relies heavily on nonverbal cues—which can't be conveyed through a text to the same degree. People tend to utilize physical touch more when flirting in person. One of the interviewees reported that they "can be more touchy, smile, look cute and bat [her eyes]."

Another said that they are big on physical touch: "for example, if someone is cuddling me and has their arm around me, I'll play with their hand, maybe kiss their neck." They went on to elaborate that they aren't that great with words, so that's why physical touch is an important way for them to convey their romantic interest in another person.

As there are ways to flirt in person that don't necessarily translate to text, the same can be said of flirting via texting. For instance, emoji usage and sending memes are ways that we can customize our conversations with potential [or current] romantic partners that don't translate to in-person interactions.

While both in-person and and text-based flirting involve complimenting each other, humor, a bit of teasing, and maintaining engaging conversations, they differ significantly in regard to the ability to use and read of physical cues, the immediacy of feedback, and the methods employed.