armandosblog-blog

[armandosblog-blog]

I think people fall for the ones who are different from them selfs. I think that one wants to be understood but at the same time someone who wants to be with them regardless of all their troubles. We all want to be taken care of and loved back and we want someone who's gonna make us happy forever. I think falling for someone is like wanting the best for us, to help and build someone to be the very best they can be. We want to be happy and strong and we look for someone who has all of that.

[armandosblog-blog]

Understanding.

January 10, 2013

You never really leave a place you've been before. Never. You may think you've gone from place you once stood but in reality bits and fragments of a memory linger in your mind and you'll never leave. You can recall every memory you've made and it'll always come back when you want to remember. But then there are those that just come back because they've always been there. 

I'm sad. And I've always been sad. I don't want to say depressed because that's something that I won't understand. But I understand sadness and I've always been sad my whole life. Always felt alone and isolated from everyone around me. 

I realized I was still sad that it never went away. It was only masked by something else, something that had been distracting me and I took all my responsibility to make it never come back. 

You never really stop being sad. It'll go away for a short time, an hour, a day, a minute. And if you're lucky, it'll go away for a while. But sadness always finds a way to come back to you. 

I also want to share the truth with you guys, I have PTSD that never went away either, I only tried to keep things under control but upon a series of unfortunate events I knew that I still had trouble in my mental department and it took me a few drinks to make those actions come back and hunt me and scary me and I ended up putting my own life in danger. 

but if I have coped before, I can cope now. everything is understanding. I understand what it's like to be sad and feel hopeless, and although this isn't my home anymore. I don't belong to loneliness and aloof. 

[armandosblog-blog]

The things your eye's have seen.

January 1, 2013

I went to my grandmother's house for the new years it was a long two and a half hours drive from San Antonio to a small town called Eagle Pass. It started raining that morning that I left my house and sat in the passenger's seat of my mother's Ford truck. 

With one slice of pizza that she brought with her from work on one hand while the other was maneuvering the steering wheel. Chunk of cheese dripped down on her shirt and mumbling words to my sister who was seated in the back set. 

I looked at the pizza and didn't wanted to have that for breakfast so I skipped it for now until we can stop at a gas station to get some coffee and maybe get some of my own breakfast.

The road was wet due to the rain and slow drizzle started I figured it would be so long before we get there so I took a nap while my mother drove and we then later, saw gray covered skies which means no more rain fell on that day.

The new years at my aunt was filled with old and new relatives. Food was scattered around as appetizers from cheese, cake, chips and dip, salsa, cookies and a batch of celery and carrots and olives. I made my way from indoors to outdoors stopping here and there to speak to some of the people at the event tried to avoid contact with everyone as much as possible. 

My phone was dying and I didn't charge it last night nor today so I kept an eye out wondering if Aaron would send me a text for the new years and slipped my hands in my pocket to feel if my phone was still alive and kicking. 

Earlier on that day, I called Aaron right before I left San Antonio to inform him that I would leave and because he wanted to talk before I left. I woke up and had an hour to change and get ready. While holding my phone on my ear and sliding shirts along the hangers inside my closet. Ringing. Answer machine. Ringing. Answer Machine. I ended up calling him fifteen times until I was running late and changed. 

While at the family gathering, he text me and woke up and he was as always, adorable texting about how he didn't heard the phone ring. He is a heavy sleeper. I'll get to talk to him when I get home which would be tonight. 

Around 12am we all stepped outside to see the show of fireworks go off and the countdown to the New Year. In the few seconds we had left the fireworks went off and the skies were covered in colored flame that sparkled in the dark skies. 

It reminded me of a time I dreamed of going to this carnival-like world and the skies would glow in the same manner you would pop fireworks. To see a place that is as dreamy as the things your eye's have seen, what a wonderful world it would be. Fantasy, and very heavenly-like place. 

Aaron texted me and told me Happy New year and he loved me which I also replied to the same. Hugging and care and other things were involved followed by tears of joy and greeting the new year. 

After that we all just had a good time talking and having a few drinks. I didn't really drink that much because drinking with my family has always appealed to be as awkward. I think that I just don't want my family to see how I get when I'm buzzing or drunk which is not the same as fun as I have with my friends. 

Any-who, I should be home tonight and although I don't have internet at home anymore. So if I ever come across a computer with internet access such as the Library that is a few miles from my house. I can always and enjoy the walk from point home to point library is always peaceful and fun to pass through the river and scenery. 

[armandosblog-blog]

So hard to say.

Sometimes I just wished my mom would tell me "I love you" every now and then. For the past 23 years that I've been living, I have never heard my mother say such words. 

They are simple but very powerful. I would like to one day wake up and on a random day here these words. Maybe she doesn't really love me. Neither has my father ever told me this but then again, I don't expect much from him because he still treats me like I'm not his son. 

How would it be, to be able to have my parents say how much they care about me. It saddens me when I am not familiar with the way they express their feelings for me. 

So I come to the conclusion that they don't love me as their child. I want to have a nice and happy family but all I ever hear is nonsense and no point in direction of where things are heading. 

[armandosblog-blog]

With tired eyes we see tired souls.

It is now day two of my re-search and I'm content with what I have found on the web and from videos on Youtube. I am convinced that a healthy and 100% vegan diet is suitable for treating cancer. 

On my understanding of cancer is like a sickness, yes, of course it's a disease but just like anything else like I believe and want to believe that it can be cure without the expensive of Chemo and other high billing costs.

So many videos about this and all responses are the same but I can't stop there and I can't convince myself that this is the way to be. Somewhere deep in my soul I find the reasons to continue re-search and sometimes it doesn't take a scientist to know what Vitamins do to the body.

Apricot seeds. They contain Vitamin B-17 which is a Vitamin allot of people under these videos have taken along with a Healthy 100% Vegan diet have claimed their cancer been gone. Even up to stage 4. 

As of now we have to do the impossible and give everything we can a chance. It's worth a shot and it's worth doing all these things if we can help them stay alive for as much as possible. 

[armandosblog-blog]

Dying to know the truth.

My head has been pounding and my brain is telling me to stop but I can't stop now. I've gotta do what I can to help out and do my part in the best way I can think of. 

After a cup of tea and a break of eating food I get back on and stare at my screen for hours and go through another 10 open tabs about the ways and understanding of cancer. 

There must be a way to eliminate it and that's what I've been doing all day. I've accumulated enough research to help in just little bits but it's not enough and although some claim their cancer has gone away but I need to do more and more to help out. 

What I have gathered in the last 6 hours have been that a raw food diet can help fight off the cancer cells and a high does of Vitamin C and Vitamin B-17 help kill cancer cells. Along with green tea and alkaline water.

I am determent to do as much as I can to help because I want you make your live better. Although it's impossible and hard but we can't give up because we need to do what we can to save her life and the life of others as well. 

It may not be gone completely but we can get rid of it temporary. My eyes could use a rest, I could use a break but I am no scientist just a regular person who wants to help out and I may have little knowledge but a little is best than nothing and it's better than not trying at all. 

[armandosblog-blog]

Catching my own fault.

It's not the first time I encounter something like this but when this happens it's always new and refreshing, original, and different somehow. I just don't know what to do and some things I haven't really accepted it but I know that these things do happen. 

It's hard when you realize that some people have cancer. It's even hard when you know that it's someone close to you. I've been trying to run away from that I don't want to have that but I know it's part of life. 

My cousin who I don't really get the chance to see was diagnose with cancer two weeks ago. I haven't gone to visit him because he doesn't want to see anyone. My mom tells me he is doing really bad lost all his hair and the thoughts of picturing him breaks my heart. 

I thought so much about what I am doing to my health that I have decided to stop smoking cigarettes not just for myself but for the sake of Aaron and my family and everyone else. I can't lose myself to others especially if this is how everyone would feel if I had cancer. 

[armandosblog-blog]

It's too cold for this morning.

December 11, 2012

I awoke to the sun rays dashing my point of view and my room freezing on Tuesday morning. It wasn't as bad as last night with a low temperature of 26 Degrees. Not compared to other cities up north but I still like to complain about stuff. 

This is where the main battle begins. I stay in bed contemplating the thought if it's worth getting up and freezing all over again so I lay there for a few minutes enjoying the warm and heat from all of last night.  

Last night on Tumblr my hands freezing scrolling down the mouse and my index finger was numbing and feeling like it was about to snap while my other hand was under my pocket keeping itself warm. 

I want to keep both hands in my pocket but then how would I be able to move my dashboard? So I make a sacrifice to let one hand to the work and switch ever so often.

We don't have a central heating supply so we relay upon our own heaters and I don't turn it on to save electricity for our next bill. So I began to lay down on my bed wrapped in a blanket and stared at the abyss of my ceiling. 

For odd reasons I open up itunes and play this playlist I made. When I lay down I stay glued to the ceiling. Counting how many stars are up there and I built castles in the air and I think out the possibilities and turn to the other side when I am accumulated  enough thoughts.

I ponder if I should get up and take a warm shower but that would make my body freeze a little after stepping out and that would require me to undress myself and dress again. 

Sometimes I'm so lazy I wish I could just step in the shower with my clothes on and magically dry them off. Believe me, if there was a way I would do it. 

But now as it is the next day, the sun is out and it gives off the illusion that it's nice and sunny outside but it's quickly betrayed as you step out and feel the spark of chill down your cheek and arms. (at least I have my coffee)

[armandosblog-blog]

I noticed I don't have any pictures of myself on this blog so here is a picture of me. This photo was taken like a week ago and was hanging around in my picture folders so I dug it up and thought why not. 

Now I have to go into editing my blog and adding a custom link to all my 'face' tags.

You can't see my face but I didn't wanted to take a snapshot of myself. I look like death in most of my pictures and not very expressive. 

[armandosblog-blog]

The Changes in Weather

December 9, 2012

Compared to others... Tonight in the city of San Antonio, we are expected to receive weather changes from our usual 70-80 Degrees in December to 55 Degrees and below. 

This puts a long hold on my cardio because I don't know when I will have a nice warm day to run. 55 for me is pretty cold but I can work around it if the sun is out but at nights it'll probably get to around 40 Degrees.

Last year or two years ago our weather dropped to 10-12 Degrees and it was the first time it snowed in San Antonio and I thought it was pretty cool waking up in the middle of the night. I had gotten off of work late and came home and my sister called and she said to look outside my window and my front lawn was covered in this white sheet.

Snow.

I went outside and it wasn't snowing like "oh my god! Look!" the snow had already fallen I had no idea when it started but I marveled at my first snow experience. 

Any-who back to the story. I have to have my walks and runs it is my stress reliever and my motivation to achieve the desire body I want. I honestly feel like if I don't do any type of heart-pupping activities I'll feel like a lazy slug just sitting down and not doing... stuff.

Even around my room I have found some things I can do but nothing beats running and walking and I wish I can take my camera because the scenery around the park is nice but not worth fanning over. 

[armandosblog-blog]

Where's My Parfait?

December 8, 2012

There are somethings I hate. Like, I hate when I’ve been wanting something for so long and I even crave it. So when I get it I think to myself “Okay, I’m gonna go and put this aside so when I want it I already have it instead of going back to the store and getting another one.”

I got one of those yogurt from McDonald’s the other day. I believe they are called Parfaits? Whatever. As I got mine I put it inside the fridge for the future when I want it.

I go out with my friends and now that I want some type of desert I think about the parfait I have back at home and I taste the yogurt in my mouth and it’s just about time I devour that. I sit in glee waiting to get home and go straight to the kitchen for my parfait. 

When I open the door I scan everywhere to see where or if, someone moved it but after a short amount of time I find no where in sight where that yogurt is. I am embodied with anger and disappointment. 

What’s worse is that now that someone snatched it up knowing it was mine. I have to wait for another time I can go out and get another one. That’s my biggest frustration but what’s a person like me to do. 

I want to scream and pull my hairs out but I keep it inside and let the anger build up in my chest and tie my throat and watch as I start to slowly burn up and sweat. 

I am so upset. But there’s nothing I can do, it’s gone. 

[armandosblog-blog]

Happy Birthday

December 1st, 2012

Today is my birthday and I had awoken to the conscious that my parents came in and sang'd happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you" And I was smiling and cheery and told them to stop it and let me go back to bed. 

Sadly no, that wasn't the case. I woke up with not a sound in the house I went to the kitchen and found my parents eating breakfast not even a look at me and telling me something.

It was all just a regular old day. I waited to see if anything would pop up not even a birthday cake. My parents are so shitty and I can't even believe my mom asked me how old I was. All I could do was just shake my head in disappointment. 

Very, disappointed. 

I dunno why but today was one of the most saddest days of my life. 

[armandosblog-blog]

It's like November is over

November 26, 2012

My birthday is just around the corner but I won't say which day it is until that day and I'm kinda excited although, I probably won't do anything special unless you call take out a special treatment for your birthday. 

I probably won't ask for much because my parents have never really payed attention to the whole "what do you want for your birthday?" question most american families do. Plus I am also getting older and I think that gives my parents a reason no to celebrate my birthday because it's my birthday. 

I wouldn't even know what to ask for I really don't have anything on my mind that I want so much. Maybe just to see Aaron. There is no book I want. I don't really want anything. Maybe just a dinner, I love dinners. I love food. It would be nice to go to one of my favorite restaurants.

Last year, my parents took me to go eat Pizza at a restaurant we have here called Peter Pipper Pizza I love the pizza there because it has a hint of pepper and spice and it's like a Chucky-Cheese. 

But that was then and this is now. I don't know what'll happen.. but It's in December. Which is next week. I'm turning old. I'm getting old. But I still look young and enjoying my youth. While it runs out. Oh well... 

[armandosblog-blog]

Happy Holidays

November 22, 2012

I hope you have have a wonderful time and share the holidays with people who you love and friends and family and everyone who will be a part of tomorrow. My parents went out to my grandmother's house for Turkey and I stayed behind because I didn't really wanted to go. 

I will however, be spending it with my Brother in law's family. There will be allot of people but I've been waiting for Thanksgiving since the beginning of the year. The last three holidays and Halloween will always be my favorite well then again, my family and I only celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas I wouldn't count new years since it's in the same month as December. 

My birthday will also be on the First. I am turning 23 and wow, I feel like I am getting to that age but yet still in the same gap as being young. It's scary to think that as we age we really only have 20 years of being young. After 21, it's adult hood life. 

I wonder what you're thankful of but I'm sure whatever it is it will be wonderful for yourself. I am thankful that for once I found someone who has cut the hardship out of my life who has giving me what I have needed the most. I'm no thankful for the friends I've had or family because there hasn't been much of that in my life. 

I hope you have the best season greetings and an amazing Holiday. Till next time. 

[armandosblog-blog]

I'm Okay With How My Life is Going Out

 November 12, 2012.

My mom’s family is always so pushy about everything and they are so greedy with everything. I want to state that I am happy with my life. I graduated from High School and although I attended College for a few years then decided to not go due to coming to terms that that wasn’t what I wanted, yes I do want to write and be a journalist but more than anything in this world.

I want to be happy. I am happy now. Something my family can’t realize that you can be happy by just feeling it. My cousins are on their way in graduating College which I should have been on the same route if I never took that break off. But again, I am happy. Their on their way of being successful and happy for them.

All I ever hear nowadays are “Oh Jesse is on his way on graduating next year!” and in the back of my mind I see marvelous of my aunts but I am also seeing money signs on their eyes and thinking that they will gain some of that fortune. I want my family to know that money isn’t always the key to success. I don’t need money to live abundantly.

All I need is the person who loves me most to stand by my side. Without struggle there wouldn’t even be knowledge. The reason why I dropped or took a “break” off of College is because it was a waste of time. Taking classes I don’t need just to be something I want to be was stupid and I had no obligation in paying for those extra classes let alone, be in debt in the future.

If my family is against me for calling me a “failure” in life I would correct them because I have gain something from not participating in the life they approved. I have gained my own life. And with that person by my side I am okay with having a mediocre job and a mediocre house or shitty apartment.

I love having this life and I would love having that aspect of not knowing what we’ll be doing next. Sure it’s a struggle but at least that person is with me. Everything will turn up fine because I am in charge of my own life. Besides all of this, all of what we have accomplish, all the things we have own, houses, cars… it’ll all be destroyed one day. And we will all turn to waste. I am in no rush to go through my whole life in one year. Yes, I may be behind but I want to enjoy life and life is a long journey so all I am doing is letting time do the job for me. This is my life, I love it. I am in control.

[armandosblog-blog]

Nastalgia

November 9, 2012.

I don't know about everyone else but I know that some days I get these really heavy nostalgic memories flooding in the dark. Like they creep up in the corners and ceilings and everywhere I look I am taken back to a previous time or event in my life. 

Sometimes they are so intense that my brain feels like a sponge. Sucking so much water that it get's heavy and it's intense feeling that I can't comprehend. There are times where I see my younger self. I'm standing outside my grandparents home back in the wilderness.

I am 13 years old. I am looking at the stars and there is no one there just me. My grandparents have this massive land that stretches so far. There are no buildings - no people - Just me. I see the stars glow so bright that I feel the chill of winter on my arms just the way it was at that moment. 

I saw my very first shooting star that night. Wished upon it. Started crying thinking that my long time dream would come true. Do you know what I wished for? I wished to have super powers. So I began to cry because I thought shooting stars were actual mythical phenomenal that made dreams come true.  

I remember the silhouette of the stars. To many to count on, but I remember standing there. Isolated. Just as I always see myself. Far. In the middle of nowhere. Surrounded by nothing but distance. No space between me and someone else. Just a massive plateau.

Then there are more that I remember. More that I can see clearly. There are ones where I'm with my cousins who have drifted as I've aged. Some I will never see again. 

And when these moments come there is nothing I can do but take them in. They are all I have left of my childhood. 

[armandosblog-blog]

Hi, 

I haven't updated this because well... for ones, I had no internet connection for a short while but It was probably the best time cuz I did allot of old things I use to do like run, and walk, and go out more. 

I hope I don't stay glued to this seat while I regain my connection. But I'll try to keep myself motivated to go for walks and I also want to take more pictures. 

Aaron and I are doing great. Shortly, December is just right around the corner and I'm just excited to see him and get to do the things we've been wanting to do together. It'll be the best present and month in this yea for me. Which will also be a very special day for me too.

I had a pretty good Halloween and hopefully thanksgiving will also be wonderful since Fall is here and it's my favorite time of the month.