amateur-raconteur

[amateur-raconteur]

i want to be loved the way i love 

[amateur-raconteur]

Memory Slip

I have an almost perfect memory  Calling obscure details from thin air  Remembering years of moments  Moments I wish I hadn’t  Moments I’m glad I did  I have an almost perfect memory  7 drinks in a night can’t put a dent in my thoughts My friends have seen me  Tolerance aside I don’t black out  Black out  Black  All I see is black  I am confused  Waking up after “drinking too much” No hangover  Bruises on my body like a roadmap to the night before  I had 3 drinks at the pregame  10:01 I am ok  10:02 I am ok  10:03 I am gone  They sent me home, my brother met me and helped me in I didn’t know what was wrong  I fell on my side  Scraped my knees  Knocked my head  I could carry a conversation, but couldn’t hold myself up  No hangover  Everything from 10:03 on was dark, Blurred  My friend’s face asking if I’m ok My brother’s arms helping me out of the car  My roommate holding my hair back  All I have are flashes  Piecing together the end of a night  I had 3 drinks  No hangover  They said I got too drunk  I have an almost perfect memory  I will never know what happened  I count my blessings, know that night could’ve ended much worse  But I have an almost perfect memory  I had 3 drinks  No hangover  No memories  Just a thought  I didn’t have my drink in my hand all night 

[amateur-raconteur]

“Middle America” Iowa, USA, 2018

[amateur-raconteur]

isolophilia

(n) - strong affection for solitude, being alone

[amateur-raconteur]

Human.. or 11:39

“To err is human” is false  To feel lonely is human  Pack animal, social creature,  We long for connection  This city is human  Lonely, waiting, desolate  Millions of people Blips of light Heartbeats in disarray  To be surrounded by stars  Is not to mean you have light  This city is human Lonely  I sit, perched Watching them go by  Longingly  Lonely  Human 

[amateur-raconteur]

“Cliffside” Stirling Castle, Scotland, 2015

[amateur-raconteur]

penchant

(n) a strong or habitual liking for something or tendency to do something

[amateur-raconteur]

Step Away

The phrase Self destructive didn't have a face until i met you Friends at first, a little too much vodka on a weeknight  I didn’t know my own power to destroy myself with you Until kisses turned bruising and drew blood And everything about us screamed no  We never talk about it  Rendezvous at midnight under my sheets at a party  We’ve never been alone together without some form of contact  Friends make jokes but nobody knows  Nobody ever will  We don’t even talk about it  Handful of times  So far apart they can’t mean anything  We lack chemistry, compatibility, anything in common  Our connection has the capacity to rip our friends apart  Yet every time we’re alone  We click  I yearn for situations that fuck me over  I don’t know what I'm doing here  I’m out of your league  You’re out of mine  My mom doesn’t like you  Says you’re too quiet, awkward  She likes most people  But doesn’t like you  Where do we go from here  I should stop inviting you to kickbacks at my place  They always end with one of us on our backs on my couch,  Staring up like rapture I should back away  Step back  But something about danger and volatility reels me in  I like knowing my world could come crashing down in a moment  Don’t you?

[amateur-raconteur]

“Sharper Than They Look” Northern California, 2017

[amateur-raconteur]

11:35 PM... Yellow

I didn’t pack any pencils.  Words become concrete  Scribbled across yellow  Yellow pages  Yellow lights flicker  Out a window etched in security wire  I am swaddled by stars Longing for day  When yellow lights fade To yellow light Streaming Through security glass  Too bright  Up with the sunrise  Filtering through I perch by my security glass  And write in pen  I cannot erase  Just wait  For yellow light  To bathe my room  And wake me 

[amateur-raconteur]

Smaller

I want to be smaller Pinprick, tiny, pipsqueak, a little off the top, shrink and shrink until nobody can see you  tiny  I want to be able to balance myself on the point of a needle with a breeze my biggest worry  I want my voice smaller so it doesn't turn big heads round and round  I want to shrivel and fade and condense until all that is left is a little fragment of what it used to be less I want to be the one lifted not the one put down  Because I am big loud brash everything I despise and maybe if I were small  I wouldn't have to pretend I wasn't anymore 

[amateur-raconteur]

“Worth the Hike” La Fortuna, Costa Rica, 2018

[amateur-raconteur]

Short Talk on The Ocean

There are approximately 3 million shipwrecks on the ocean floor, humanity has only explored 1% of them. What lurks? Swimming is more labored with denser seawater. Eyes closed. What would rather not be seen lies below. Tides sweep away days at the beach and crumbles of sandcastles built with tiny hands. Bioluminescent waves crash on the beaches of Big Sur, lighting up a previously dark night full of stars. More stars in the sky than there are grains of sand. 

More mystery than there is concrete. 

[amateur-raconteur]

thalassophile

(n) - a lower of the sea, someone who loves the sea, ocean

[amateur-raconteur]

Like Other Girls

“I’m not like other girls” I like beer pong, battlefield, bon jovi and burgers  You'll never see me in a frilly pink dress  I’m more girl next door than crazy ex- girlfriend  I live in my favorite pair of sweatpants How lucky am I to receive the praise  “You aren't like other girls” My first kiss thought I was cool because I was ok with a casual relationship  Tongue stuck down my throat pushed up against a wall  And whispers of don't tell anyone  I’m not like other girls  You didn't want to be seen with me  Throwing around casual like it was a good descriptor of assault You're not like other girls  You're not good enough for real love  I try to find people who will tell me I am good enough  All I get are a string of people who don't really matter  Tell me I don't really matter  This was a one time thing,  But you don't mind that  You're not like other girls Begin my adventure of solving all my problems with a stranger  I have no control over what they think of me  I have control over what they think of me  When we are in my bed  For the first time in my life I feel happy and wanted Fast forward  Palms sweaty  3 AM rendezvous in the dark  I have a date with disappointment and whispers of you're not like other girls  Save my tears for the twilight I will never be good enough  Slut shaming doesn't scream sinner or sting  I’m not like other girls  I’m the perfect manic pixie dream girl  Barely real and only skin deep  I’ll teach you how to live and bring you up to par  My problems will remain mine when we’re together  Forget the tears on my cheek while we kiss  Commitment issues is my middle name  But rest assured we’ll never get that close We wont talk about the past  There’s a much better use for my mouth  And you will never let me forget it  This was my choice after all  I put myself into this place  Dug a hole in my sheets I will never climb out of  This Dance  This tango of tongues and sheets  This Dance is empowering and beautiful but cycles of self worth mean I don't feel empowered lately  I’m not like other girls in the worst way And I don't want the compliments anymore 

[amateur-raconteur]

odium

(n) - widespread hatred or disgust for someone

[amateur-raconteur]

Haunted

I am haunted Ghosts like flies Buzz in my head reminding me of memories long forgotten People long forgotten Histories and stories I tried to push away There are specters in my mind where sanity once was I still hear his voice A call in the dark Reminding me my place, You look hot like this His fists in my hair He sees not the tear tracks on my cheek The spirits he left with me The demons he left with me His touch like cold flash, emf It was burning hot when he was here I fear his passing like phobia Heart race, pick up We work together My shadow does not leave me Ghosts don't understand my words no He didn't seem to either Images flash in memory passed over Flinch when you imagine I run from my flashbacks You stole my peace of mind Locked it away, only fragments of memories as clues to find the key Someone give me salvation and free me from my purgatory Holy water to wash away sin like dirt This apparition in the night This unholy being Stays Calling in the night The supernatural I don’t want to know what is under my bed It might be just as bad as what was once in it