134340miles

[134340miles]

🖤 Fight Or Flight 🖤

Today my body’s stuck in fight or flight.

My body is shaking and my heart is racing.

My ability to breathe gets harder and harder.

It’s feels as if I’m going to die.

I want my mom but she’ll just tell me it’s my anxiety.

Today my body’s stuck in fight or flight.

I have to breathe deeply and very very calmly.

Waiting for my water in my teapot to boil seems ever so impossible.

Trying to relax but all my body wants to do is shake and panic.

I’m stuck in this survival like mode.

Today my body is stuck in fight or flight

-Jennie/134340miles-

[134340miles]

🖤 Color Pallet 🖤

Everyday you sit with your pallet and decide what color I will be. You paint me red, and sometimes I’m blue and sometimes I’m a pretty shade of pink. But these days you don’t see me as a beautiful rainbow in the sky. You see me as a dark storm cloud that rains and ruins on your life.

I’m not black, I’m not not grey.

I’m like a beautiful sunshine in the sky.

I’m like a pretty shade of blue on a shiny day.

Pink like an ice cream cone.

Red like the color of love.

Warm like a beautiful sunset you’d see at the end of the day.

I’m green like a gorgeous tree.

And yellow like a lemon tree.

Please paint me a beautiful color today.

134340miles/Jennie

[134340miles]

🎄I Hate Christmas🎄

It's Christmas time and it's always fun with the snow angel's and the jingle bells. It's a happy time with hot cocoa and presents with your family. 

But for me, it hasn't been so happy these past 4 years. I wish we that we could go back. Back to a time that we loved each other.

I really just hate this time of year. Where the snow is falling down and the trees are going up. You took my holiday spirit away, or was it The Grinch Who Stole Christmas or Jack Skelligton.  I hope one day I can be happy and not be sad from the bad memories. I just wish that we could back....

I remember the day like it was yesterday, it was Christmas day and we were watching elf. You were texting her and you were loving me. I can't believe that you had me fooled. I looked at your phone and you were talking to her the same damn way that you talk to me. Do you love me? Do you love her? I really just wish that you'd make up your fucking mind. 

I really just hate this time of year. Where the snow is falling down and the trees are going up. You took my holiday spirit away, or was it The Grinch Who Stole Christmas or Jack Skelligton. I hope one day I can be happy and not be sad from the bad memories. I just wish that we could back....

I hope that I can heal from this tragedy. I won't let you ever get to me. Leave me alone and don't talk to me. Let me enjoy this Christmas holiday. 

-Jennie/134340miles-

[134340miles]

🖤 A Letter To Heaven 🖤

Today while I was sitting, I had a thought. I really miss the people that have died and passed away. 

My grandma died when I was 11.

My favorite uncle died when I was 17.

My baby cousin died when she was 6 months old.

My other grandma died when I was 2 years old.

I can't believe that I won't see you again. It just hurts to know that you're not here with me. In the mean time, I'll say a little prayer to you. In hopes that you can hear me soon. 

I had the best memories with my grandma. Always took me to the mall and bought me all the clothes.

Uncle Jeff always gave the best hugs. Never felt unloved and always bout the love. 

My baby cousin has a twin sister. I bet they'd always be best friends and be the coolest at the school.

My grandma that died when I was 2 years old, she was the rock in this family. She was the healer in this family.

I'll always appreciate the moments that we had even if it was only short lived. I'll never ever forget about you all. I can't wait to see you all again.

-Jennie/134340miles-

[134340miles]

🖤 Dear, Best Friend 🖤

 I remember the first time that I first saw you, it was the first day of school. Do you remember? You had this really cool paint set and this really cool red hair. I  immediately knew that I wanted to be your friend. I remember being introverted and you were very extroverted, but somehow it worked out all in the end. We soon became best friends always inseparable. Never thought that we would be separated.

It's really funny, because these days we aren't close like we used to be. I log onto Facebook and see your happy family. I see you have a best friend, that I wish were still me. I miss the old times that we used to have. I miss the sleep overs and the late night talks. 

Do you remember? When we stole your brothers beer?

Do you remember? Getting sundaes at 1 AM?

Do you remember? Shit talking all those jerks?

Do you remember? Sneaking out late at night?

Well I remember. And honestly, I sometimes sit down and cry at all our old memories. I'm sorry if I ever did something wrong. I'm sorry if I ever hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I quit college because of my anxiety. I sorry if I wasn't there when you fucking needed me.

I can't believe that our life is like this.  If there was only way to go back in time. I wish I could re-live all our old memories. I guess I'll dream of all our old memories.

Do you remember? Playing at the park?

Do you remember? Almost getting arrested?

Do you remember? Smoking our first cigarette?

Do you remember? Skating on Friday nights? 

I guess we really did have our fun back then. We were only kids and now we're adults. I'll quietly sit back and let you let you live your life. I'll quietly cheer you from afar.

I know I'm not your friend anymore but I still have trouble letting you go. In the mean time, I'll sit and wait for. Cause you're my best friend for the rest of my life.

[134340miles]

🖤 Sleep Paralysis 🖤

I know that I'm here, I know that I'm there. It's a feeling that really just paralyzes me. It's like being stuck between two damn realities. I can't never wake from that damn reality. I just want to scream help, I just want to wake up. But there's always this huge weight right on top of me. So I feel a tingle all over me that really makes me jump out of there.

I'm finally awake and my heart is quickly racing. I just sit there and ask "what the fuck just even happened?" So I sit for a while and eventually feel tired. I can feel my eyes grow heavy every second every minute. I then fall back asleep and say lil prayer "please don't kill me my sleep paralysis demon."

-Jennie/134340miles-

[134340miles]

So cute

💜 This is Fine 💜

BTS birthday series inspired by BT21 and the This is fine meme

[134340miles]

happy birthday, pretty astronaut 💫

[134340miles]

wild flower 🌾

[134340miles]

🖤Isolation 🖤

 There's days where I feel lonely, days I feel alone. I wish there just one person on my side. It's funny because I know that you're here, but sometimes you honestly just disappear. 

I hate sleeping alone on this cold couch when you get to sleep on the warm bed. You completely ignore me until you want something. I give and give and there are no returns. I sometimes sit and wonder what I did wrong. You constantly remind of all my wrong doings. You abuse and abuse until I go numb. I go numb then I feel the panic building up. You sit there and laugh and tell me I'm overreacting. You just don't know the damage that you did. We used to to be cool and lean on  each other, we now fly far away from one another.

I tell you I'm hurt and you just roll your eyes. You see my tears and you just turn your back. I really don't understand why you're here. Are you here because you love to fuck me up? My mom wonders what she did wrong for me to be this way. She just doesn't know the you that I truly know. You put on a show for your friends to feel sorry, always always victimizing yourself.

You tell them I'm a bitch. That I'm really fucking lazy. At this point they all hate me from your stupid shit talking. That's all right because at the end of the day I  know who I truly am and I know the real you.

I wish that the old you would come back, but I know for a fact that he's long gone. So I'll sit here and wish that you'll eventually change. Thanks for the isolation that you always put me through.

-Jennie/134340miles-

[134340miles]

🖤 It's Just Anxiety 🖤

Today I was awaken again at 4 AM, with my heart feeling like it's about to burst.

Most people wake up to the smell of coffee in the morning, I wake to my body shaking in the morning. So, I curl up in the blanket and I immediately start to cry, because I really feel like I'm bout to die.

The morning lingers on and my tummy starts to rumble, causing my body to shake more and even tumble. I run up the stairs and I tell my mom what's happening, she holds my hand and this is what she says.....

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

Fading away to just to haunt some more.

I finally feel calm and I go down the stairs, just to feel the emotion build back up again.

So, I splash some cool water on my face, just so I could feel the waterworks on my face.

The tears are coming down, my demons bringing me down, but I just have to stand here and remind myself.....

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

Fading away just to haunt some more.

So the day moves along and I'm feeling kinda calm. To be honest? The calm feeling makes me a bit nervous. So I decide to get fresh air then lean my head on the window, so I can watch the outside world live just a little. I lift my head up and my heads kind of heavy. Is it a tumor?? Is it pressure?? What the fuck is even happening? So I lean my head back on the window, to tell myself that I'm not even dying. I know this seems crazy but please just understand...

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

Fading away just to haunt some more.

It's finally dinner time and I'm feeling kinda nervous. My heart begins to race and my body begins to shake.

I have so much going on right now in this moment.

My toddlers crying, my daughter's whining, my dad is fuming, my aunt's screaming, my dogs barking, the phone is ringing, the doors slamming. I really feel just over stimulated. So, I feel like I'm gonna faint and my legs are about to break. But apparently it's all mental because this shit really is.......

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

It's just anxiety.

Fading away just to haunt some more.

So night time arrives and I'm finally feeling fine.

I lay my head down on to the pillow, so my eyes can feel heavy just a little. Im finally asleep and I wake up from a bad dream, causing my heart to skip beats once again. I wake up at 4AM once again, because this is my life with an anxiety disorder.

-Jennie/134340miles-