𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐎𝐑𝐒 𝐃𝐍𝐈
[ PAIRING ] Zeke Yeager x f!reader
[ AUTHOR'S NOTE ] This is HEAVILY inspired by the business card scene in American Psycho. (I wrote this back in 2021 for a collab.)
[ SYNOPSIS ] Zeke's perceived inadequacy leads him to a situation that only exacerbates his insecurities.
[ WORD COUNT ] 3.2k
[ CONTENT ] Modern AU (duh), not a big fan of the term "crack fic" but that's basically what this is, Zeke's only a few years older than the rest of the Warriors, sharing nudes without consent, smutty stuff is mentioned, alcohol, marijuana, body horror (Zeke describes scaphism in great detail), Zeke's probably ooc because I basically turned him into Patrick Bateman.
Zeke’s standing in the back of the bar, cornered by his friends. His life is in shambles because you dragged him to a birthday party in the nicest part of the city on the very night he decided to make a major life choice. Tonight was the night he said fuck it and shaved off his beard.
“You look like a baby,” Porco laughs.
“Like an angular baby, like a baby with good cheekbones,” Bertholdt, the birthday boy, mutters to himself.
“Can I touch your face?”
Zeke clenches his jaw and goes to speak only to be interrupted by Reiner's tender touch.
“Wow, that is soft. You got really soft skin. What do you use?”
Zeke smacks Reiner's hand away and uses the sleeve of his flannel to wipe away his residual touch. The meathead’s compliment was sufficient; there was no need to make physical contact.
“Sisley’s Black Rose Skin Infusion Cream.” Zeke sighs, accepting Reiner’s interpersonal failure. “How drunk are you?”
Reiner grins.
“I don’t know but your girlfriend’s the one that’s making them,” Reiner says before dissolving into the crowd.
Zeke questions whether or not Reiner was actually there in the first place. He could have merely been an anxiety induced hallucination.
“I have to… go,” Zeke abruptly blurts out to no one in particular as he pushes himself through his group of friends.
Free from their grasp he kicks himself for being so inarticulate in such a genuine way. Usually his nerves were hidden by a veneer of stoicism, but now he wonders if maybe it was just the beard.
The bar is packed and Zeke stands on his tippy toes trying to see your little head bobbing around somewhere. So many people look like you from this distance. He takes off his glasses and squints but it does little to assist him. He nearly drops them as he maneuvers them back onto his face. Eventually he hears you cackling close by. He sighs heavily once he spots you behind the bar. You look angelic, a beacon of light in a sea of complete fucking bullshit. You look him in the eyes and smile, relief washing over him.
“Don’t you have to have a license or something to be back there?” he asks you, hiding his anxiety behind a facade of smugness.
You shrug and lean over the bar to kiss his forehead.
“They ain’t kicked me out yet so… I guess not.”
Zeke sits down on a bar stool and holds his head in his hands. He remembers that this is a private party and the likelihood of anyone actually giving a shit is slim to none.
“Reiner called you my girlfriend.”
“Ew, why?”
Zeke peers up from his hands, the rest of his face still obscured. Anything to hide his lack of facial hair.
“Because we showed up together and he probably heard us fucking in the bathroom earlier. Can you hold these for me? I almost dropped them.”
Zeke hands you his glasses and you tuck them away in your purse.You pat his head and ruffle his wavy blonde hair. He relishes in the gentle touch of your hand.
“Reiner’s an idiot. Want a shot?”
“Two. You know what I like.”
You grab a bottle of whiskey and overpour two shots. You pass one to him and go grab the other for yourself. Zeke grabs your wrist and stares up at you.
“They’re both for me.”
You shake your head and pour yourself one. Zeke downs the whiskey, savoring the smokey taste it leaves behind on his tongue. Just as he goes to ask you about how your day was Marcel fucking Galliard taps him on the shoulder.
“Buddy, it’s been too long. How ya been?”
Marcel is hammered and he lifts Zeke off the stool into a bear hug. Zeke feels the whiskey crawl up his throat, the most painful tickle he’s been subjected to.
“Ni—nice to see you. It has been awhile,” he chokes out.
Marcel loosens his grip and takes a seat next to Zeke. He looks impeccable, his hair perfectly quaffed. His skin was practically glowing. How could such a drunk guy look so put together and handsome?
“It has been a fucking while!” Marcel exclaims once more.
Zeke scratches his ear and then subtly waves you off. You slowly walk away backwards from the men, bumping into the actual bartender.
“Colt! Coltie Boy!... Damn, dude, you alright? You look tired.”
Marcel has mistaken Zeke for Colt Grice, one of the other tall blonde guys in their friend group. It seems logical because Colt works at the same middle school as Zeke doing the same exact thing he does, teaching language arts to seventh graders. Though Zeke thinks he’s smarter and more relatable to his students. It certainly doesn’t help that he hasn’t seen Marcel in years, who likely has forgotten what he looks like.
“Well I haven’t been getting much sleep. You know me, burning the midnight oil and all.”
Marcel laughs way too hard at Zeke’s joke which wasn’t even a joke in the first place.
He grabs Zeke’s shoulder and continues. “Great, that’s great. Such a hard worker. So uh, shit what’s her name… That girl you’ve been seeing.”
“Pieck.”
Marcel snaps his fingers and grabs Zeke’s shoulder again.
“Yeah, yeah, how’s Pieck? She’s a keeper. A great girl.”
“She’s good, couldn’t be happier with her. We’re thinking about getting a dog.”
“Wow, that’s—that’s great. You deserve it, man. You’re a good guy. Not like that dork Zach Yeager.”
“His name is Zeke, Marcel.”
“Who cares? You,” Marcel pokes Zeke in the chest, just barely missing his nipple, “you’re a good guy. You got your life together. Fuck Zach, man.”
Zeke nods in agreement.
“He’s a fucking dick, you know? Sure, yeah, I haven’t seen that weirdo in years, but I don’t even have to see him to know he’s—” Marcel pauses to burp into his hand. “excuse me. To know he’s a piece of shit.”
“I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan either.”
“Fucking wears dumb glasses, like dude get a normal pair.”
“I know, right?”
“Grandpas wear those glasses, Coltie. Grand. Pas.”
Just as Zeke feels like he’s going to vomit into his own lap Bertholdt pops up from behind Marcel, eyes full of concern.
“Hey Marcel, Porco’s out back and he’s not looking too good.”
Bertholdt’s a dirty liar and everyone except Marcel knows it. Porco’s tolerance is god-like, an unwavering cognitive marvel. Marcel sighs and stands up, stumbling out the door to the patio, Bertholdt trailing behind. He hits his forehead on the door frame on his way out.
“Are you gonna be okay?” you quietly ask, eating a maraschino cherry you stole from someone’s drink.
Zeke smiles and shakes his head.
“It could’ve been wor—”
“Oh shit! What happened? You kinda look like dad!”
Eren is standing in the doorway with a pair of wayfarers on. He definitely stole them from someone; there was no way he’d drop money on Ray Bans. He comes over and hugs Zeke from behind. Zeke appreciates Eren’s affection but it does nothing to soothe verbal assault he received from Marcel.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know that was fucked up,” Eren coos. “But I am right. I can’t help that.”
It doesn’t matter if Eren is right or not. Zeke’s ego is crushed beyond repair. You shoo his brother away and drag Zeke into one of the booths, sitting across the table from him. He frowns.
“Can you sit next to me?”
The alcohol is taking hold of him. He needs attention and affection, but not too much. Anything beyond you sitting beside him, holding him close, is simply unbearable. You switch sides and scoot close to him.
Zeke notices you staring at him. Your gaze is kind, kinder than a shithead like him deserves. He can’t remember a time in his life where he felt more insecure and unworthy of you. When your soft hand caresses his bare face he is slightly startled. However it’s a welcome gesture.
“I think you look good,” you purr.
He slinks down into his seat, bathing in your praise.
“I’m a little jealous of your jawline too.”
Zeke blushes.
“I look that good, huh?”
“No, you look like shit. I was lying the whole time. You’re the ugliest guy here.”
“Stop you’re going to make me fall in love with y—”
“Colt! The fuck?! What about Pieck, man?!”
You both turn to see a very drunk, very disheveled Marcel being carried out of the bar by Porco and Colt. Colt turns around, looking fresh as daisy, not a single line or wrinkle on his face; his skin smoother than a baby’s ass. He flashes an apologetic grin and lets go of Marcel, walking towards the two of you with utmost confidence. Porco crashes into a table because Marcel might as well be the most cumbersome person on the planet at this moment.
“This is probably the worst time to ask, but do you think I could use your study guides for my class tomorrow? I didn’t have time to throw anything together because Pieck and I were settling into our new apartment.”
Zeke wants to die right then and there. Zeke, who lives in a studio apartment with a chinchilla named Robert. Zeke, who will never own any form of home in his life. Zeke, who’s skincare routine will never make up for years of smoking and sitting in the sun.
“Wow! That’s so cool, Colt!” you pipe up, wrapping an arm around Zeke. He leans into you, desperately trying to disappear. He wants you to make the situation go away, to wrap it up with a little bow and toss it out a window.
“It’s a lot of work getting all that furniture into the penthouse that’s for sure.”
“I can imagine,” you reply eagerly, making up for Zeke’s awkwardness.
Colt just stands there grinning.
The lull in the conversation is too much for Zeke bear. He realizes he needs to open his mouth and speak.
“Uh, you can use my study guides.”
“Oh thank you! You’re a lifesaver.” Colt turns around to see the nuclear disaster that is the Galliard brothers. “I hate to cut this short, but I have to take care of that,” he laughs. “Let’s do dinner sometime!”
Once Colt is out of earshot Zeke falls to pieces.
“Let’s do an execution sometime, Colt. Just boil me alive, send me to the boats.”
Zeke notices the quizzical look you give him and tosses his head back and groans.
“It’s a form of execution where you trap someone between two boats—row boats not ocean liners.” He knows you all too well, your perception prone to the absurd. “And you force feed them milk and honey, and you cover them with it too. And then you leave them to fester and rot in the sun like in a lake or a river.” He coughs. “Death doesn’t come quickly obviously. Flies lay eggs in your wounds, feasting upon your infected flesh. Mosquitos rise from the putrid water and buzz around you. Your body decays right before your eyes.”
“Uh,” is all you can manage to spit out.
He can’t hide his disappointment, and avoids your gaze.
“I know something that’ll cheer you up.”
“What?” he asks.
“Wanna see some dick pics?”
Zeke’s attention is thoroughly piqued. He clears his throat, trying to mask his blatant curiosity.
“Sure. Whose do you have?”
You smirk. “I got everyone.”
“Do you go around showing these to everyone?”
Zeke panics remembering the series of dick pics he sent you one night after smoking two blunts by himself. So many different angles and his face was definitely in a few of them.
“Oh god no, I don’t show them to anyone.”
He bathes in a sea of relief.
“Okay good. Let me see.”
You pull out your phone and go to your hidden photos. A barrage of dicks show up on the screen all in various states of turgidity.
‘Wait, I want to see mine first.”
“Fine. Weirdo.”
You scroll down to find a picture of Zeke’s hard cock. A solid six inches. Circumcised. A few veins running along the length of it, more on the green side. It’s framed by curly, untrimmed, flaxen pubic hair which suddenly Zeke is weirdly self conscious about. He can’t help but wonder if Colt has untamed pubes.
“Should I wax?”
You look at him like he has three heads.
“What? No. I like them even if they get caught in my teeth occasionally.”
You pinch his cheek and Zeke lets out a little “phew”. He doesn’t know what he’d do if you told him otherwise. The idea of ripping out his body hair terrifies him. Shaving’s bad enough, the resulting emotional anguish a burden he struggles to bear. He might die if he added physical pain into the mix.
“I appreciate the angles,” you say. “It’s artistic. The lighting hits the cum dripping off the tip perfectly.”
Zeke basks in the light of your praise.
“Nice and erect, not floppy and flaccid. It’s one of my favorites.”
He shivers at the thought of sending you a photo of his limp dick. He’s a grower, not a shower, a fact that left him feeling inadequate if he thought too hard about it.
It was seemingly unfounded. You never expressed any displeasure when you’d pull his cock out of his pants and see it in its flaccid state. No hint of judgment when you got down on your knees and sucked him off. Just pure, unadulterated joy.
“Gimme a name.”
“Let’s see the birthday boy.”
You pull up a poorly lit photo of an incredibly erect cock. No veins, very smooth with an even coloring. Zeke notices he’s uncircumcised and tries to convince himself that his dick being circumcised makes him a better person than Bertholdt.
“It’s very long,” you say, zooming in on the dick and scrolling down. “Not super thick though.”
“I’m not impressed.”
Zeke takes pride in his cock being thicker than Bertholdt’s.
“Can I ask why you have a pic of his dick?”
“He was drunk and meant to send it to Annie.”
“And you kept it?”
“Hey, whoa. I did ask.”
Zeke gives you a quizzical look. He is having trouble discerning the situation at hand and it makes him feel like he’s dying. You pat his back.
“I was like, ‘Bertl, can I keep this?’ And he was like, ‘If you feel so compelled.’ And let me tell you... I was compelled.”
“Next one,” Zeke says, glaring at the dick on your phone screen.
“Okay,” you flip through your photos, “Porco.”
You hold up your phone, showing Zeke a still image of Porco furiously masturbating on the bathroom floor.
“D—did he set up a timer on his phone?”
“Yeah, grandpa, welcome to the 21st century. We’re happy to have you.”
“You’re two years younger than me, grandma.”
You stick your tongue out at him and zoom in on Porco’s cock. His cock curves upward quite a bit, veiny but not nearly as veiny as Zeke’s. The tip is a pearlescent pink. Porco managed to catch himself in the middle of his orgasm, cum spurting upward like a geyser.
“What do you think?” you ask him.
“Cum looks a little thin, watery even.”
Zeke wants to tack on that his cum is more robust, but he realizes how pathetic it is to brag about.
“I like it when it’s thicker. Like if someone is going to come on me I wanna feel it splatter on my skin, you know?”
Zeke doesn’t know.
“Yeah I get that,” he lies.
“I appreciate the action of the shot, but it’s too busy. I see a bottle of Acqua di Gio on his bathroom counter. His plunger is in the background. I don’t like that his bathroom rug is orange.”
Zeke could hear you talk shit about Porco’s nudes all day.
“You lookin’ at Porco’s nudes?”
Reiner slides into the other side of the booth. He’s pretty drunk, skin a little pink, but he seems mostly there.
“Has everyone seen them?” Zeke asks in a panic.
“No. I overheard you guys talking,” he chastises. “You guys are really harsh critics.”
“I have standards, Reiner.”
“If people can be film critics, why not dick critics?” Zeke asks, genuinely wanting an answer.
“Hey!” You smack Reiner’s arm. “Can I show Zeke your dick?”
“I’d be offended if you didn’t. I’m not an artist, but I’ve been told I have an eye for color,” he brags.
Zeke rolls his eyes. “Hush. Let’s see the dick.”
You pull up Reiner’s dick on your phone. It’s a lower body shot, just his torso and cock in view, it’s standing straight up. His body is framed by his earth toned bedding that makes his skin look divine. He’s statuesque, like a Greek god.
“Check out my cum gutters.”
“Reiner,” you exclaim. “Gross!”
“So Zeke, what do you think?” Reiner asks eagerly.
“Impressive,” Zeke chokes out. “Very nice.”
Zeke’s ready to move on. Reiner’s color coordinating bodybuilder nudes make him want to wear clothes for the rest of his life. He pictures himself dressed in his pajamas, standing in the middle of his shower, arms crossed, looking absolutely miserable.
“Hm, I think that’s all I have. Wait. Oh my god, I forgot I have your brother’s.”
Zeke is conflicted. On one hand he feels protective of Eren and wants to destroy your phone, preserving Eren’s honor. But on the other he wants to rip Eren’s head off for sending you a picture of his dick.
“I have one!” Reiner pipes up.
“Whose?” Zeke and you ask in unison.
“Colt’s.”
You start to shake your head. “No, no more dick pics. We’re done for the night.”
“No,” Zeke says, clenching his jaw. “Let’s see Colt Grice’s cock.”
You toss your head back and stare at the ceiling, preparing yourself for Zeke’s reaction. Reiner winces, realizing his mistake. But still he pulls out his phone.
“Why do you have a picture of his dick?” you ask.
“He needed a creative consultant,” he replies plainly.
Reiner goes through his phone and breathes heavily. He looks up from his phone, his lips a flat line, and he holds up Colt’s dick pic.
It’s a full body shot of Colt. His cock is thick and long, the same look and size as Zeke’s. He grabs Reiner’s phone and stares at Colt’s throbbing erection. It’s taken in his bathroom and unlike Porco's, his counter is organized, only a small bottle of expensive hand soap lurking in the corner. His dick is the perfect shade of pink, the head of his cock picturesque. It’s smooth, but not in a creepy way. It’s like it was sculpted by Rodin, rock hard and tremendous.
“Oh my god. His pubes are so trim,” Zeke mutters.
His hand shakes and he drops the phone. Reiner grabs it, slips it into his pocket, and looks away from Zeke. The three of you sit in silence, the only sounds coming from the party.
“Is something wrong, Zeke?” you ask. “You’re sweating.”
Zeke doesn’t say anything. There isn’t anything to say. This isn’t something that can be buffed away with pity. The wounds inflicted are too deep. The pain radiating through his being will never cease. There will be no relief from his festering inadequacy. Happiness and hope for the future are rendered foreign concepts.
The man is irreparably damaged.
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